Conviction

Sometimes I get tired of doing the right thing, or feeling like I have to. The right thing just seems too hard or uncomfortable. I feel conviction to do something, but my flesh is afraid and clings to the safety of my comfort zone. Sometimes it just seems unfair. Why should I be given such a big responsibility? I don’t feel qualified, prepared, or even willing to do the task I’ve been given. It seems like too much for me to handle. I know that I don’t have to do it alone. God is here to help me. When called to do something that currently seems outside of my ability, I am reminded of the prophesy spoken over me, someone told me that God will be building me up to new levels and that I will be able to do things that I never thought possible. This is a process that requires me to step out of my comfort with faith in the Spirit. There is a saying I live by: “You are where God wants you. Are you doing what He wants?” God has put me in this very place for a reason. He has given me this life to make a difference and to change lives. The time is now. I have opportunities in my current location to possibly make an impact in the lives of those around me. Because the impossible transpired when I came to Master’s Commission, I knew that it was by God’s will. Since God gave me this opportunity, I want to utilize it to the best of my ability and do what God has called me to do. When the situation seems too big as if nothing I do will matter, I am encouraged by the scripture in 2 Kings 7:3-4 3 ‘“Now there were four leprous men at the entrance of the gate; and they said to one another, “Why are we sitting here until we die? 4 If we say, ‘We will enter the city,’ the famine is in the city, and we shall die there. And if we sit here, we die also. Now therefore, come, let us surrender to the army of the Syrians. If they keep us alive, we shall live; and if they kill us, we shall only die.”’ This verse reminds me that even though trying may seem to be pointless, the worst that could ever happen is nothing, which is what would happen if I didn’t try anyways. Saying it and doing it, however are two entirely different things and I feel more inclined to follow the ways of my flesh and bow to my desires for comfort. It’s a struggle at times I don’t know which side I want to win.

Not about Me

It’s not about what I want

I had been struggling with a bad attitude. I was hopeless and had given up on everything in life. I had no motivation. I felt like nothing I do matters. So I had given up on my friend who didn’t want to change. I had given up on myself and the things I needed to do. It was all for selfish reasons. I had allowed my situation to keep me from doing the right thing. I was tired of doing the right thing and not seeing any results. You see, people can’t always control the situation, but always have a choice of how to respond. There were a few situations where I was not getting my desired outcome. Because I had been trying my best in these situations, and things weren’t right in my eyes, I got discouraged thinking that nothing I do matters. I was tired of trying in vain and wanted to quit, and I did. I stopped trying in everything. I thought that everything pointless because my efforts didn’t produce my desired outcome. When I tried to produce that desired outcome and none of my actions, no matter how hard I tried, would give me what I wanted, I felt out of control. I got anxiety from the fear of being powerless to my situation and expressed my fear in anger. That anger was a sin because it was based off of selfish desires. I was consumed with self seeking motivations. I wanted order in my situations, it had to be my way, or it wasn’t right.

Now I’ve seen that what I want isn’t what’s important. My desired outcome is not reality and is not the only thing that brings honor to God. I prayed that I would see God’s glory. It was funny really; all I had to do was open my eyes. His glory is all around. I had just been looking at things the wrong way. I was so focused on the things I didn’t get that I ignored the good things God had given me. It was selfish to let the fact that I didn’t get what I want get in the way of continuing to aim to bring glory to God.

We are called not to be successful, but to be faithful. Because God is not limited to past, we are called to keep throwing out the net, even though it was empty last time. Next time, it may just be overflowing. I am called to be faithful in loving with patience. I am called to believe in all things that good will come. The word says to do all things as unto the Lord. That means ALWAYS, EVERYTIME- regardless of past outcome and whether I get what I want.

Past VS. Identity

I now feel as though I am constantly defying labels put on me. I used accept the words of others as truth, and act out of what I had been identified with. All my life I’ve heard people label me saying I’m a cynic or a pessimist. In the past I’ve accepted this, thinking it’s who I am and how I should act. I felt bound to these labels afraid of what people would think if I acted outside of the restraints of these labels. I didn’t know how to behave other than the extremes of a negative characteristic. I would often classify myself based on the lies whispered to me by the devil, that what I’ve done in the past is who I will always be. I would hear people tell me I’m a rebel or an anarchist and in every moment I would base decisions on these labels, trying to decide, whether to defy the labels set upon me or to find security in knowing who I am.

Recently I’ve found myself slipping back into my old ways of negativity. I knew this was not a characteristic of God and therefore not something I desired for my life. The difficulty increased as I began to question if negative is just who I am. Negativity, after all, is the way I’ve always lived my life, it’s what I know. That’s not who I am. I am a new creation in God. I don’t have to be anything other than who God has created me to be. I now realize that when I do anything contrary to the fruit of the Spirit/ contrary to God’s character, I am producing bad fruit, fruit of the devil. I choose to produce good fruit, the fruit of my Father in Heaven. I will not buy into the lies which encourage me to produce any bad fruit of negativity.

I am free from the past. I will no longer be bound to these labels. I will not let anything hold me back from fulfilling my destiny, my purpose for greatness. My actions don’t define me. The seed of God in me is who I am. I am empowered by the grace of God to live extraordinarily. I will live as it says in 1 John 3:9 “No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God.” Because I live in the truth based on the words of 1 Peter 1:23 (For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God,) I have hope knowing that God’s seed cannot be quenched. In Christ, I will always have the power to do the right thing.

Power Struggle

My whole life I’ve waited to be grown up. I’ve just been longing for the time when I was independent. All I’ve ever wanted was to make my own decisions and not rely on anyone. When I first began Master’s Commission one of the most difficult parts for me to accept was that I had to give up a certain amount of control in my life. It was difficult for me to abandon the very thing that took me a lifetime to attain. It was uncomfortable knowing that I was no longer in control of my life. It is only now that I see how contrary my world view was to God’s.

When I had planned years ago to participate in a discipleship program like Mater’s Commission, I thought that it would prepare me for my future in full time ministry. I make my own plans on how I think things will work out. I thought that Master’s Commission would be a time of learning the “How To’s” of ministry. Thinking I could bring all of my problems along, not making any personal change, but acquiring knowledge and strategies to saving people, the way I had imagined it would be hard work, but fairly painless. As it turns out, God want to change me and heal me. God’s way might require more work, but is always better than my way of doing life. Only God knows the things I need to do in order to grow and be ready to change the world in the great ways He has planned. Since He is the expert on my life and everything in this world, why would I not give up the control and let God take care of it? Even though I want the power of being in control, I want more to be used by God and bring Him the Glory. With God I can do greater things.

Giving my Testimony

The idea of giving my testimony has always seemed strange to me. I’ve always been a Christian, and I don’t have a story that most would see as dramatic and interesting. My mom was a Christian when I was a child and told me to do the same. At that age, I believed anything my mom told me, so I really had no other choice to believe. There really was no defining moment where everything in my life changed. I thought that I had no story, but clearly I was wrong. We all have a story. Every day I am living out the story of my life in God. Every day, He has something new for me. As a witness of God’s great works, I am obligated to testify what I have seen and experienced. I was convicted by the verse 1 Peter 3:15 which says “But give honor to Christ in your hearts as your Lord; and be ready at any time when you are questioned about the hope which is in you, to give an answer in the fear of the Lord and without pride.” My life’s purpose is to bring honor to God; it would be foolish to not use every opportunity to do that.

Sharing my testimony is not only helpful to others, but also edifies myself. In order to give an account for God’s work in my life, I must examine my life. In doing so, I will often find new revelations about miracles in my life I was not previously aware of. This self examination also keeps me accountable to always be improving, always growing toward holiness. I’ve heard it said that “a life without growth is on a path of decay and death.” I choose to live my life with purpose to live as Hebrews 12:14 says to- Persistently strive for peace with all men, and for that growth in holiness apart from which no one will see the Lord. This will be my strive, my pursuit, to live to grow in holiness and bring honor to God.

He Makes Me New

God is constantly using a series of events to reveal Himself to me. Yom Kippur is a special time for me; it is a Jewish holiday, one of the holiest and most solemn days of the year, which focuses on atonement and repentance. During Yom Kippur God was showing me that He makes me new. He removes my sin from me and makes me clean. Somehow even though I’ve always had the head knowledge of this, I was finally being awakened to this seemingly new reality. God continued to show me this in many ways throughout the next several weeks. Upon hearing the testimony of a friend, who had just received a medical diagnosis, I knew to have faith in God. He told me that all things were possible through Him, who is bigger than our diagnoses. God is not bound to our labels or the patterns from past evidence. The past does not in any way contribute to future outcome. God has removed the past from His memory, refusing to consult it in order to decide the future.

When we went to Redding, California for the Open Heavens Conference I was constantly being prophesied over and it was a huge encouragement. It was exciting to experience God’s love, knowing that He was thinking about me and cared about the things I think about. One encouraging word I was told was of God’s forgiveness. Of course I had knowledge of this, but I had always struggled with this concept. I had bought into the lie of the enemy, that I wasn’t good enough because of the past. I believed the lie that I was dirty and defiled for my past sins. I thought that I couldn’t be whole or renewed because I could never change from my old ways of living. I’ve been fighting this lie my whole life and I always try to remind myself of the truths of God. Somehow, by hearing the truth spoken by another person, I had a revelation. I knew that God was speaking to me. He cared enough about me to verbally speak through this person and express the truths of His love. The truth is God loved me enough to die and take my sins. Those sins of my past are no longer mine. I had lived my life taking Jesus’ sacrifice in vain, not applying its value to my life. While on this trip in Redding, we did an outreach ministry activity called a treasure hunt. Treasure hunting involves approaching strangers to pray for them and prophesy over them, sharing God’s love and miraculous power. This was a stretching experience and I learned that through God’s strength I will be able to do things I never thought I could do.

Master's Commission Pt. 1

I've wanted to go to master’s commission for a long time now. Through a series of events I kept pushing it back and the prospect of going to masters seemed to be getting further and further away as I was getting sucked into the world of full time employment. This last summer, a situation in my life took a turn for the worse and it appeared as though there would be no way of escaping the life I had created for myself. At this point in time, I received information about A Master’s Commission in a neighboring town. After attending the first meeting, I learned that the school year was starting in less than two months and I had less than half of the money needed for tuition. As I prayed about it, I learned that this was where God wanted me. I knew that if I were to go to Master’s it would be impossible by my own strengths and I could only do it with help from God. In order to pursue this I would be required to step out in faith and risk something big for something great. I resigned from my job of 1.5 years just after getting my first raise, giving my “two weeks notice” at the last opportunity before class started and before I had all of my tuition money. Through the help of faithful friends, God provided a way for me to do what He had called me to. Had the situation not worked out I would have ended up jobless and without a plan.

My experience with Master’s has helped me to learn how to live a life contrary to the desires of my flesh. Taking the risk to make this commitment betrayed my fleshly needs for security and control. I gave up the comforts of my former life when I decided to enter into this time of separation from living my life as I would chose, a change from everyday life activities and consistently seeing my family or my amazing best friend Amanda. Even though it is difficult to be apart from the things that comfort my flesh, I have designated this time to devote my life to getting closer to God and to learn new things that will prepare me for the future God has planned for me.

Without Realizing It

Without realizing it, we plan everything out,
How we hope our lives will end up.
Where we gonna live and who we gonna be,
We’ve got the kids all named and the house picked out.
I never consulted God on His plan for me.
Who does He want me to be?

I wanna be in control.
I think I’ve got it all figured out.
My way has got to work because that’s how I’ve planned it to be.
I’m too afraid to give up the power of choice.
I want to live independently with no help from anybody.
I want to live in comfort and do the easy thing.
At times I wish I had no call.
I wish I didn’t have to do the right thing.
Instead of My will,
I choose to die to my flesh
I’m going to live this life the way He intended it to be.

At times I have resented the fact that I feel convicted to a certain level of standards. There have been things I have done, just because no one else will do it. I have learned to step out regardless of what everyone around me is doing. I have the ability to act outside the normal and live an extraordinary life. I will not accept the pressures of culture around me. I have been called to be a leader and set new standards of holiness. I’ve always been striving to match the atmosphere around me so that I don’t stand out. Now I see that God has called me, not to reflect the atmosphere around me, but to shine His light in all circumstances. I no longer have to be a follower. I no longer have to live in fear of not blending in to my surroundings. God did not make a chameleon when he created me.
I only have one shot at this life. I have limited opportunities to bring God’s glory to this earth. It’s a hard decision on my flesh, but I choose not to waste what I’ve been given, by chasing a worldly possessions. If I want to live my life for God, it will mean I won’t have all of the things I’ve dreamed of, but living a life committed to serving God will be better than I could have ever imagined.

breakdown

I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, or maybe i'm already in the process. FML. sometimes I get so overwhelemed...

You Are Here!

Several weeks ago, my pastor spoke about the topic "Where do I belong?," a question that I have been asking myself since graduation. I didn't get much of anything out of the message and was still left wondering. I ended up goggling it. I then took a personality test that told me I belong in London, England. It still wasn't quite what I was looking for. I've been getting frustrated by my lack of direction. I have felt alone and out of place. Suddenly, God showed me the Truth, something I had been missing all along. I had been think of this the entirely wrong way. What matters is that "I am Here." This is where I am. I am in the present at this present location. God may take me elsewhere in the future, and I need to be listening for that. Right now, I've got to use what I have. I've got to be used where I am. Everywhere that we are needs to be useful for His good. I will continue to be an outsider for as long as I choose to be on the outside. I have turned "being" into a passive act. Being, is indeed a verb, it's what you do. While I am "being" here, I need to be BEING Christ, BEING Love. I was created for more than to just consume oxygen and inhabit space. I am More.

URwGwU!
RUdwHw?

Shavout

The Lord has brought me thus far.

Now is a time that I am thankful for this holiday. I have been so lost. I've been so un-thankful for what I have. I have been looking for answers. It's a great time to recognize all of Gods blessings. The law itself is a blessing because it shows us that we cannot make it on our own.

He has brought us here, from here we will go. It is through what He has given us that what He will give will come. I am thankful for all that God will provide. I am thankful for all that God will do through me.

I am a firstfruit, here to multiply. Great things will come.

These early fruits assure later harvest.

I need to be working to help bring the harvest of the latter days.

Suitcases

New song- Suitcases by Dara Maclean

This songs speaks to me deeply. There are so many burdens that are weighing me down. There are things that I carry around with me(secrets and strongholds) that are unnecessary for me to fulfill God's Purpose for my Life. God wants me to travel light. He has provided all that I need. "You can't run when you're holding suitcases." God has great plans for my life, these burdens can only slow me down and make things difficult, rendering me useless for my purpose. I want to be used and be useful. If I had to pack a suitcase of everything I needed, it would be too full. Living for God is selfless. My desire is to throw out my reliance on the world loving God above all, learning to lay down my life by un-attaching myself from unnecessary suitcases.

I've been so ""tied to the ground," unable to move. I'm stuck in my situation, comfortable with my earthly possessions. I want to be FREE!

"Can you imagine what it’s like to be free
Well, send those bags packing, they’re not what you need
Abandon your troubles on the side of the street
Just let them go now, believe me"

These strongholds don't own me. They don't need me. I'm carrying them around, when all I have to do is let go. I can abandon them. Life will be better without these suitcases. It is fleshly and evil desires that have kept me holding on for so long. It is doubt and fear that keep me from receiving God's forgiveness and moving on from the past sins. The evil one has convinced me that this is all I can be. I have bought into the lie that once I fill these suitcases I must carry these mistakes around with me. I have made idols, giving more power to what's in the suitcase than to God. God is Stronger.

I the "Freedom in release"

The Rapture, An Opportunity, Being Equiped

Yesterday, on May 21, 2010, there was a scheduled "rapture." There were people who misinterpreted the Bible in order to calculate the time and day of the rapture. For the most part I didn't know of anyone who believed this story. Many of my friends joked about it. I wondered if there was anyone who believed this theory and if I would see any kind of reaction. On Saturday, while cashiering at work, I heard my co-workers discuss it. One of the cashiers seemed concerned about what was going to happen. She didn't want to be left behind. I wish everyone had that kind of urgency. Even if the rapture isn't today, it's going to happen eventually. We aren't going to know when it happens and we should all be prepared. This cashier seemed to want salvation. She wanted hope and assurance that she wouldn't be damned to hell. She asked me if I would be leaving or staying. I told her that today wasn't the day. "I'm not going anywhere, yet." My whole life I have wanted situations to share the LORD with people. This seemed like the perfect opportunity. She was actually seeking out information and was ready to receive it. I wished that I could tell her the answer that she was looking for, but the fact was I didn't know the answer myself. I felt so horrible for letting the opportunity go by. How could I tell her I was leaving and not invite her too! I thought about the witnessing tools I have heard used by "The Way of the Master" I always thought that it was most effective to get people thinking and have to answer for themselves. I thought about the idea of absolutism and relativism and the fact that no one can believe it's all relative. Some of my coworkers were talking about the fact that everyone can believe something different for themselves and that a person cannot push that on another person. This seemed quite puzzling to me. To me it seemed absolute, either nothing was going to happen that day, or mass numbers of people would leave the earth. There was only two options and that was certain. Someone had to be wrong. I thought about how truly tragic it would be if the rapture were to have came at that time and we all were left behind and didn't even notice a change. Most seemed fine with that possibility, I could not accept it.

As a follower of Christ I have accepted the call to tell the world the good News. I have personally heard a call to be a missionary. It wasn't until recently that I have been challenged as to what is the truth. I was unsure where this questioning came from, but I can no see that it is good. Through this questioning I have seen that I am not as confident as I thought, that I don't really have all the answers. This questioning is preparing me to be strengthened and equipped with the truth. God wants us to use discernment to find out what is good and what is true.

I have been wanting to reach out to others and be a witness. This situation as made me realize how truly unequipped I am. I'm not sure what to do to get equipped or what I can do in the mean time. I have been wanting to be a light to my world showing people love in ways that I haven't been. I would like to volunteer at Life Services and help to relieve the perceived "necessity" of abortion. In order to volunteer at Life Services, I must complete an application. When I began filling it out, I realized that I could not answer many of the question, because I didn't know the answer. I thought that I could just use the answers of other people, or just make something up that I thought they would like to hear. Now I have come to wonder if the fact that I am unable to complete the application makes me unqualified to be a volunteer. I do not think that it would be appropriate to be in a situation that I am not qualified for, yet I also think that the only way to become qualified is to be in situations that would test and strengthen me.

Questions?

What must a person do in order to be saved from damnation to hell?
Is there a single moment that a person becomes "Saved"?
Is salvation a lifestyle that must be continued?
If a person ceases to have "evidence of salvation" is he no longer free from death?
When a person dies, does he just wait for Jesus to return?
What happens while he waits?
What is baptism of Holy Spirit?
Does not the Spirit enter us when we are "saved"?
Do some not have the Spirit in them?
Isn't the Spirit what led us to Christ? Therefore we would always have the Spirit?

Age of Accountablity

In my search for the truth of salvation I spent time dissecting and interpreting words of the scripture. I have been told that the Bible cannot contradict itself, yet in my study I was left in utter confusion. I asked a couple of people what they believed about salvation, and they seemed just as confused as I did. They however were okay with ignoring the issue. I am somewhat embarrassed about my lack of understanding about something so important. I am too proud to seek out guidance. I don't want to admit to any believers that I do not have the faith that they do. It is only now that I realize that is what it truly is. It is a disbelief. I seed desperately to do what is right and to be accepted by GOD. Somehow I do not have the faith to just trust in Him that I will be saved.

One of my biggest questions is "what exactly does a person have to do to be saved from damnation to hell?".

In my search for the answer I began to read online commentaries of what is believed to be the solution and why. In my search I came across people referring to the age of accountability, the age at which a person is held accountable for their own sins. I have heard the theory many times throughout my life that a person before this age of accountability is spared from judgement. It always made sense to me before. I for one do not know the level of understanding that an infant has. For all I know when I speak to a newborn, everything I say is foreign to him. If a baby cannot understand what God's gift of salvation is, how can he be held accountable for his lack of repentance? From what I have read in the Bible it very clearly states that all people need to accept God's gift of salvation in order to escape death. Why then should a person be exempt because of his age? God is just and I would think that the law of salvation does not have exceptions. How is a child's ignorance any different than that of another person. As a child, believing what I was told about the "age of accountability", I thought of the injustice of those who do not know of God's gift of grace. What about those who have never been told? Why should they be accountable when they did not consciously choose to ignore God.

What about those who are matured adults who have heard the words, but like a baby could not understand, the person for which the truth just never clicked. I can see that if we go by this logic everybody could have some sort of excuse and would end up exempt from judgement. I believe that God gave us all the ability to discern right from wrong. I have to believe this. without this ability some would be free from guilt that others are not. Some have claimed that mental illness has caused them to do evil without feeling any guilt. Is it then that murderers with no remorse are blameless? Clearly this isn't true and all have guilt. It is said in His Word Romans 3:23 "All have sinned" If we look past this verse we could conclude that some are without sin. We cannot overlook the Truth GOD has given to us.

It is was difficult for me, without this verse in Romans 3, to understand the guilt of a child, a baby both pre-born and post-born. With this I have more of an urgency in fighting for the lives of the unborn babies. Without a life, they have no chance at salvation. Life is the very least we can give them.

Dreams

I dream in my sleep, almost every time I do it. Most dreams aren't memorable. Some dreams are strange and confusing, a bunch of impossible nonsense. Usually it's all a blur. There are few dreams that I remember, either because it was scary and traumatic, or because I just thought about it a lot after the dream. I remember two scary dreams that haunted my childhood. The most significant dreams I remember are dreams that I believe were a message from God.

When I was in the fourth grade, there was a fire near my house. The fire was miles away and we were never in any danger. I believe it was around this time, that I had a dream in which every house on my block was ablaze except mine. I knew that this dream was a message from God reminding me that He would keep me safe. I felt secure to know that I had His protection. At the time, this dream was a comfort, I felt special to know that God was thinking of me, that he would give me this dream as proof that he would keep me safe. It felt good to hear from God, but as a child, it wasn't really something that I needed to hear. It wasn't something I was looking for. At this time I was basically worry free. I lived in a world with parents taking care of me. It wasn't something I was worried about. This dream has stuck with me over time. I have a tangible reminder of God's promise. Even though I can look back, thinking that it was a strange message for a child, I know that God's way is best. He gave me that dream for a reason. I can look back knowing that before I knew God as my own, He knew me. God specifically communicated to me in a way that know one else could. It was at this time that I was maturing, I was seeking God and His truth. This seeking did not begin at this time, but continued through the opportunities provided. I thank God for giving me understanding and a desire to seek Him.

I believe that God does everything for a reason...

It's not as if I always tell people about the dreams that I have, but, around the time that I was in the ninth grade I had a dream that I have intentionally kept a secret. I awoke from the dream with such peace, as if it was a blessing. Later that day a friend mentioned that she had a really good dream. I agreed that I did as well. Once I thought about it, the terrifying details of my dream came back to me. I got the feeling that it would be inappropriate to share. I didn't really know the meaning of the dream immediately. In my dream I was in a house with some people when and intruder entered, questioning us. Pointing a gun at me he asked if we were followers of God, when I answered, yes, I am, a shot was fired and everything went black. For some reason, this dream seemed like something I shouldn't share with anyone. I mentioned sometimes that I had a dream that I was shot, but that's all. I felt like the dream was to private to share, and that it was sick to dream about my death.

From this dream I knew that I was called to stand up for truth, no matter the cost. I never really understood the cost very much. For a long time, I didn't really think about this dream.

THE COST

I have been telling God that I will go where He sends me.

As I thought about the dream more, I remembered the experience of the dream. In the dream, I was at home with my family. The situation felt so right. The house I was in, wasn't a place that I have ever been, but it was home. The family I was with, wasn't anyone I know, but they were my family. In my dream, I was where I belong.

Time

Where has the Time gone? It's sad to say that it's currently May 5th 2011! It's been almost two years since my High School graduation and I seem to be going no where. I graduated from High School expecting a fabulous life full of success. I looked forward to the adventures and learning I would experience. It's been a year in a half since I left Trinity, set on changing, doing great things with my life. It seems like I'm still in the same place I was two years ago. In reality much has changed. I've had such amazing experiences, and I truly have learned a great deal. It's frustrating to me that currently, I seem to not be doing anything great with my life. I'm 20 years old and I'm living with my parents. I have no car, and I'm working at an entry level job, where I've been for a year and have not gained any respect. My work environment is horrible and my hours are decreasing all the time.

It's so easy to feel like a failure. I wonder if I am where God wants me, or if I'm doing what He wants. It seems as if I'm losing against time. I don't know what I'm doing. It seems as if I am lost, just wandering without direction. I want purpose for my Life.

Most of the time, I wish I was anywhere but here. I don't feel at home. I feel homeless like I don't belong anywhere. I long to belong. I long to be where I am supposed to be. I want to be somewhere that feels right. I want peace for my spirit.

Time keeps on passing by and I am standing still. I feel so stuck, as if everything is moving and I am just frozen.

"No Offence"

"No offence, but I'm pro-choice." someone told me. I first I was puzzled. Why should it be offensive to say you have a different opinion than another. People only way "no offence" if they know they are saying something offensive. I absolutely is offensive to everyone, including me personally, for a person to say that they support/ have no problems with the killing of innocent people. People are dying! People like me! If someone says they are pro-choice, they have no respect for life. That's offensive. Do they not care that people are dying!? I'm a person, would it be okay if I die? What's worse is that in the case of abortion, it is innocent and helpless babies. No one should be okay with the innocent dying! No one would be okay with it if it were they mother of sisters being killed. Nobody cares about these children who have no way to escape this undeserved death. We all started out as babies. What if we were all killed before birth? The earth would be empty. I was a baby once. These people who say they are pro-choice are quite hateful to think that it would have been okay if my mother had decided to kill me before I was born. This is so sick, it makes me angry! All life is equal. People say that it's wrong to kill a two year old. They still think it's wrong to kill a one year old. But someone a year younger than that, still in the womb, has no rights at all. Why do people think something has changed after birth!?

I am indeed personally offended by people's lack of respect for life. After all, I'm alive, and I hope people care.

Faith

After high school graduation, I needed to choose what would be the next step in my life. I wanted to pursue education and continue to learn. I had applied to many colleges that year and now had to choose which one I would attend. I had been accepted to the Art Institute of Seattle and had nearly committed to attend, but I got some doubts. I had durring that time been struggling and maturing in my faith. I
felt that the best thing for me at that time was to be in an environment that would encourage spiritual growth. I wanted to get away from everything familiar and have a fresh start at who God wanted me to be. I moved to Illinois, where I had never beem before, and attended Trinity Christian College. The transition was quite difficult at first because everything felt so foreign. Trinity soon became my favorite place. I
finally felt at home, as If I belonged. Durring my time at Trinity, I made the best friends I had ever had. I began to hear God's voice speaking to me, telling me that Trinity was not God's plan for my life, that I would not be staying there for much longer. This word from God was devastating me, because I wanted nothing more than to be there with the people I loved. It took a great deal of faith for me to remember that God has a plan for my life, a plan for good. God's plan isn't always what we want, He is the creater of the universe and He knows what He is doing much more than I do. There were time that I felt so alone and hopeless times that my faith wasn't stron enough and God filled me with the Holy Spirit and His grace was enough. I've had to live my life as a young adult with faith that God, my Heavenly Father, is taking care of me. Like a child, I don't need to worry about what will happen, I just need to obey and He will take care of the rest. I am always safe in His hands.

Even now, I must continue to live my life through faith. Even at a job that I hate, God has a purpose for my life. Things are going to get better. God's will is perfect.

Death

Death seemed so much more real to me in the fall of 2009 than it ever had before. I never thought of death as being a real and present fact. It was always so far away, something that never happened. When my little brother was hospitalized for an infection caused by a small cut, he could have died. I realized that death is here, death is now. Death is everyday, in everything we do. Death cannot be avoided. I began to appreciate life more realizing that we are always one step away, one inch away from losing it all. A person can literally die from anything! It was scary for me to know the fatality of living in this world. I wanted death to be far away from my everyday life. Yet it was always there always, hanging on and lingering next to me in everything I do. Every step that we take, or don't take, is a threat to our lives! Everyday is a miracle that we are alive. There are so many ways to die, yet I'm alive. It was amazing to me that death was here all along, yet I always thought it was impossible. Something that could never happen.

I still didn't understand death until I experienced it myself. I never knew what it meant. I had friends who had lost love ones and I had NO IDEA! In February 2011 my life was changed by the death of my friend, and pastor, Bill Hutton. I was so angered and frustrated by the finality that death brought. The certainty that I would never get to encounter this person again, was overwhelming. I felt robbed by the loss of an individual from my life. I had never in my entire life, experienced a change so great.

I'm amazed by the fact that a person can exist on this earth on day and be completely gone the next. It seems so unreal and so untrue. How can this be possible!? It makes me so devastatingly sad to know that I can NEVER see him again. Nothing in life is so absolute. Nothing else on earth is impossible. I have always heard that "Nothing is certain but death and taxes," but come on, that's not true. People cheat their way out of taxes all the time. I never thought truly about the absolute truth that death is certain. Even if it was something that I had excepted as true, a part of life, that everyone will one day die, I never could understand this until I had experience it.

The week of his death was difficult for me. In the time leading up to it, I was troubled and saddened that I missed my pastor and longed to not lose him from my life. Once his death happened, his absence hurt me even more. Greater still was the consciousness of the reality of death. I now knew not only that death could happen, but that death did happen. I now see death differently I truly understand the fact that everyone dies. It makes me worried because I don't want to lose anyone else from my life. I don't know how I would be able to survive if someone that I loved even more was not on this earth.

I fear. I am now afraid of death, even my own. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the same loss that I can't stand myself. I don't want anyone to miss me, or not get to see me. I don't want to live my life without the people that I love. I used to have no fear of death. My life meant nothing to me. I was willing to give it all. But I didn't know what death was. Now that I know, I feel so selfish, so attached to the things(people) of this world. I thought that I could give up everything for God, leave my life and sacrifice everything. Now I don't think I could/ am willing to. I don't want to leave the people I love.

My selfishness amazes me. Just yesterday I was so sure that I could leave my life here to go wherever God called me in this world. I have told God, "send me; I will go to the ends of the earth; I will die for you" I can't go back on my word. I know that I need to follow God's will for my life. I now realize what death is, that it is to give everything. When I tell God that I give my life, it means so much more than the fleshly body, but the fleshly desires of my heart. That to die to the flesh means a complete and absolute end of what I want. To "Give it all" is so much more than I ever realized.



People Die, But I Wish They Wouldn't.


Death seems to be even more practical now. Death is persisting and clinging. Death is something that can and will happen, whether expected or not. Death will end everyones lives. Every person that I now know or will ever know, will one day be dead.

March 1, 2011

(probably not going to be a very deep post, just random)

I can't believe it! I's my 20th Birthday! It was a surprisingly a good day. I woke up in a fabulous mood, even though I had to be to work at 8am and needed to drop off my brother at 7:30am. Work was fine even though the customers and co-workers were rude and annoying.

I feared that I would lose my job today due to a cashiering mistake on Saturday. It hasn't happened yet, so that is good news. I really don't want to be fired, but it seems kind of inevitable now. I'm mildly freaked out about what will happen after I lose my job and more freaked out about actually getting fired. I had a calming peace throughout the day today. I wasn't to worried about it. I's not as if i don't have faith that God can save my job, but I think that it might be in his will for me to leave this job. I don't like my job and would be in some ways relieved to be freed. I know that I will need to leave this job eventually, but might not be able to leave the security and familiarity without the push.

I'm glad that i didn't get fired today, because I would have been devastated and humiliated. Not a great way to celebrate my birthday. I feel as though God wants to bless me and knows what's best for me. Everything is right in his timing.


My fleshly desires, again have me striving for a car. all though cars seem to be a necessity, i'm not sure that is the wisest way to spend my money. what if God has something more planned for my immediate future that just a way to get around.



I wonder what i would do if I lost my job. Would I immediately start looking for a new one? Would it be irresponsible not to? Does God have something planned for my life, other than working for money? What kind of job would I look for? Nothing really seems to interest me. I want a bigger purpose in life! It's not as if I am discontent with where has put me in life, exactly, more that I want to be doing something significant. I realize that it is mostly for selfish reasons, because I want to be able to feel good about myself. but who doesn't? If I was doing what God wanted, shouldn't I feel good about it?


I'm so confused about my life. I feel so pointless. If I stay at my job any longer I will go crazy!



Most of the time, I know that God has a plan for my life and that I don't have to worry about it. God is preparing my Husband for me. I don't have to be out looking. Other times, especially lately, I've been worried, like what if I'm not in the right place. I'm not marrying anyone from my job, I'm not going to marry anyone from my church. So, where am I going to meet the Godly man that God has planned for me? I keep freaking out that I don't give myself enough opportunities to meet a husband. I never meet new people. I've been secluding myself.

I have to keep reminding myself that not only will God figure it out, but i'm not ready yet anyway. It doesn't matter if I don't have any opportunities. I need to grow up and be able to take care of myself. I need to learn to let God take care of me before I can be a wife. I need to mature. I have so much to learn.

I am lonely and want someone to love me. I know that this is bad and that I should be content with the love of God. He can love me the way no one else can, his love is stronger. Yet I still feel empty. I feel the need to seek approval from humans. I want someone to hold me, I want someone to be with me every day, I want someone to fight with(as strange as that may sound)

I am impatient for the husband God is preparing for me. I feel like the only healthy thing to do while I "wait" is to get ready. I need to be preparing myself to be a wife, instead of looking for the man. God is doing His part and I need to do mine. He's not going to give me a husband until I am ready.

This will give me motivation to seek God more. I feel that, even though I am seeking God, I am doing it for all the wrong reasons. Does God want me if I'm just using Him? Or does he willingly/ happily seek everything I give? Is this excuse okay, if it brings me closer to God?


I want to be a Godly woman that God would be proud of. I want to be mature in my relationship with Christ. I want to be able to participate successfully in society as a Godly wife, mother, person. Is this a bad thing? I want to be a participant. I want to step it up and take part in making a difference, Yet I still feel like my motives are selfish. I should be confident in myself in Christ. Why do I need a man? Why am I so insecure? I shouldn't need a husband to be a witness. But I REALLY want one.

This isn't right! All I should need is God! I should serve God with what I have.


What if God doesn't want me to have a Husband, just like he doesn't want me to use controlled substances? What if I am not strong enough in God to rely solely on Him. Would a husband be a crutch that I would lean on instead of God? I feel like that's what i'm already making him to be.


I HATE THAT I'M SO WEAK!

Feelings I Get

This is the way I feel, sometimes:

I feel so alone that, it makes me just want to stand up and run. I want to run and never stop(like Forest Gump.) Not that there's anything to run from, except existence. I often think that if I were running that i would basically cease to exist. I would be existing only to run, removing myself from anything else. have no thoughts besides the next step, the next breathe.

I get lonely all the time. I feel like there is no one in the world who understands or cares. God is the only one I can trust with my darkest secrets, because he already knows. I cry out in desperation, yet sometimes it feels like there's no one on the other line. It feels as though I am truly alone in this world. Everyone is so far away and i'm abandoned. It's so intense! (like camping)

No one understands like God and is always available like He is. God will never leave us. Sometimes it seems like He's so far away and like i'm lost and I can't find him. It's a scary feeling.

The day before my 20th birthday:

I'm so freaking out.

The day before my 20th birthday:
Tomorrow I will Turn 20 years old! This is the last day of being a teenager. I am full of uncertainties as I enter into adulthood. I haven't been living an adult life. I still live with my parents and have no true responsibilities. I don't want to be a child forever, not one of those kids who never moves out of their parents' house. I can't live my whole life as a freeloader. I don't know what I can do to be more responsible. I don't know what grown up things I should be doing. My job is on the line. I feel so shameful to start off my adult life getting fired. What a great start. I want to have faith and peace about the future, but feel embarrassed and lost. I don't know what's coming next in my life but i'm sure there will be change. Yes, I have been asking for opportunities, I've wanted something new. I am tired of my job and ready to move onto the next big thing. What I can't stand is this loss of control. The fact that I have no idea what I am dong. I am so vulnerable and in need of direction. How long can I just hang around looking for the next thing. I hope it just finds me because all this waiting makes me uneasy. I know that what happens will be in God's will. I just hope that I can respond appropriately the way God wants. I believe that if I seek him, He will not leave me. that is what i believe, but i do doubt. My pride tells me that I can't loose control, that I can't succeed without my own "power." Yet I know this is false. I, of course, have no power in this. God is in control of all.

I can't help but having a lack of self confidence when I think about MY accomplishments and see that It's been two years since I've graduated. yet nothing has changed. I still live in the same house and do the same things. I feel immature and unaccomplished.

I realize how selfish this is. It's not about what I have accomplished, it's not about me at all. What matters it what God is doing. As long as I say in the will of God, what he wants will be accomplished. It doesn't matter if my life makes me uncomfortable.

I want to grow up. I want to be doing something. I want to make a difference. I want a husband and a family, and a house. I want to know what I am doing. I want to stop messing up.

Persecution (unfinished, draft)

I don't know what I was listening to on the radio, or if it was just GOD speaking to me, I Got the sudden reminder and realization that "GOD never promised that it[the path in following Him] would be easy, but he promised that it would be worth it.

So much recently I have suppressed
tiring discouraging no motivation
gave up selfish

What's Been Holding Me Back?

Today is the 15th of the month. All this time I've been letting all of my responsibilities pile up. I've been overwhelmed and procrastinating. I haven't gotten anything done. One can see by the appearance of my bedroom that my life is at a stand still. I have bills and laundry in piles on my floor and my Christmas decorations are still hanging. I don't know what I am waiting for, but i need to clean up my act. I need to be released by the bondage of debt.

Again I ask myself:
Are You doing what GOD wants?
Where is the Love?
Where is the Dedication?
What's your Motivation?
Where is your Focus?
What are you Pursuing?
What Choices have you been making?

Most times I have no answers to these questions. but at this time I can see that My life is not the way I want it. I Question if I am where God wants me. I know that I am failing to do God's will. I'm not sure what God's will is. I am so unsure and subconsciously frightened. I have not been showing Love to everyone. I have been pursuing comfort and the pleasing of my flesh. I'd rather be happy than do what is right. I have no focus and don't know where I am going. I feel so lost! I have little motivation. Most of the time, i don't know what I am pursuing. I am so tired, so weary of this journey. I am struggling just to get by.

I don't recognize the choices I make. I try to avoid choosing, by doing nothing. I am stuck. I am falling backwards because I am too intimidated by what's ahead.

It's amazing how unaware i have been of myself. I try to hide away all of my insecurities. I try to stay strong so i can stay standing.

I am confused about the truth of God and salvation. I am unsure how to be effective and share with others when i don't have any answers myself. I believe in God and I want to serve Him, but i don't know what i'm supposed to do.

One of the main purposes of living is to learn. Learning = Growth. Life without Growth is death. I am going to start regularly posting what i am learning.