I'm so freaking out.
The day before my 20th birthday:
Tomorrow I will Turn 20 years old! This is the last day of being a teenager. I am full of uncertainties as I enter into adulthood. I haven't been living an adult life. I still live with my parents and have no true responsibilities. I don't want to be a child forever, not one of those kids who never moves out of their parents' house. I can't live my whole life as a freeloader. I don't know what I can do to be more responsible. I don't know what grown up things I should be doing. My job is on the line. I feel so shameful to start off my adult life getting fired. What a great start. I want to have faith and peace about the future, but feel embarrassed and lost. I don't know what's coming next in my life but i'm sure there will be change. Yes, I have been asking for opportunities, I've wanted something new. I am tired of my job and ready to move onto the next big thing. What I can't stand is this loss of control. The fact that I have no idea what I am dong. I am so vulnerable and in need of direction. How long can I just hang around looking for the next thing. I hope it just finds me because all this waiting makes me uneasy. I know that what happens will be in God's will. I just hope that I can respond appropriately the way God wants. I believe that if I seek him, He will not leave me. that is what i believe, but i do doubt. My pride tells me that I can't loose control, that I can't succeed without my own "power." Yet I know this is false. I, of course, have no power in this. God is in control of all.
I can't help but having a lack of self confidence when I think about MY accomplishments and see that It's been two years since I've graduated. yet nothing has changed. I still live in the same house and do the same things. I feel immature and unaccomplished.
I realize how selfish this is. It's not about what I have accomplished, it's not about me at all. What matters it what God is doing. As long as I say in the will of God, what he wants will be accomplished. It doesn't matter if my life makes me uncomfortable.
I want to grow up. I want to be doing something. I want to make a difference. I want a husband and a family, and a house. I want to know what I am doing. I want to stop messing up.
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I started out the day super bummed, But no I am joyous. I'm just in a great mood.
ReplyDeleteAt lunch, my grandma gave me a necklace with a mustard seed. It was a great encouragement in my time of need. Just what i needed. I was able to admit my doubt. the necklace is a reminder to have faith.
I Thank God that I have peace. I am no longer freaked out about tomorrow. I pray that I can keep this peace as I sleep, and throughout the day.
I pray for a happy birthday, that i will be joyous and content.