Death

Death seemed so much more real to me in the fall of 2009 than it ever had before. I never thought of death as being a real and present fact. It was always so far away, something that never happened. When my little brother was hospitalized for an infection caused by a small cut, he could have died. I realized that death is here, death is now. Death is everyday, in everything we do. Death cannot be avoided. I began to appreciate life more realizing that we are always one step away, one inch away from losing it all. A person can literally die from anything! It was scary for me to know the fatality of living in this world. I wanted death to be far away from my everyday life. Yet it was always there always, hanging on and lingering next to me in everything I do. Every step that we take, or don't take, is a threat to our lives! Everyday is a miracle that we are alive. There are so many ways to die, yet I'm alive. It was amazing to me that death was here all along, yet I always thought it was impossible. Something that could never happen.

I still didn't understand death until I experienced it myself. I never knew what it meant. I had friends who had lost love ones and I had NO IDEA! In February 2011 my life was changed by the death of my friend, and pastor, Bill Hutton. I was so angered and frustrated by the finality that death brought. The certainty that I would never get to encounter this person again, was overwhelming. I felt robbed by the loss of an individual from my life. I had never in my entire life, experienced a change so great.

I'm amazed by the fact that a person can exist on this earth on day and be completely gone the next. It seems so unreal and so untrue. How can this be possible!? It makes me so devastatingly sad to know that I can NEVER see him again. Nothing in life is so absolute. Nothing else on earth is impossible. I have always heard that "Nothing is certain but death and taxes," but come on, that's not true. People cheat their way out of taxes all the time. I never thought truly about the absolute truth that death is certain. Even if it was something that I had excepted as true, a part of life, that everyone will one day die, I never could understand this until I had experience it.

The week of his death was difficult for me. In the time leading up to it, I was troubled and saddened that I missed my pastor and longed to not lose him from my life. Once his death happened, his absence hurt me even more. Greater still was the consciousness of the reality of death. I now knew not only that death could happen, but that death did happen. I now see death differently I truly understand the fact that everyone dies. It makes me worried because I don't want to lose anyone else from my life. I don't know how I would be able to survive if someone that I loved even more was not on this earth.

I fear. I am now afraid of death, even my own. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the same loss that I can't stand myself. I don't want anyone to miss me, or not get to see me. I don't want to live my life without the people that I love. I used to have no fear of death. My life meant nothing to me. I was willing to give it all. But I didn't know what death was. Now that I know, I feel so selfish, so attached to the things(people) of this world. I thought that I could give up everything for God, leave my life and sacrifice everything. Now I don't think I could/ am willing to. I don't want to leave the people I love.

My selfishness amazes me. Just yesterday I was so sure that I could leave my life here to go wherever God called me in this world. I have told God, "send me; I will go to the ends of the earth; I will die for you" I can't go back on my word. I know that I need to follow God's will for my life. I now realize what death is, that it is to give everything. When I tell God that I give my life, it means so much more than the fleshly body, but the fleshly desires of my heart. That to die to the flesh means a complete and absolute end of what I want. To "Give it all" is so much more than I ever realized.



People Die, But I Wish They Wouldn't.


Death seems to be even more practical now. Death is persisting and clinging. Death is something that can and will happen, whether expected or not. Death will end everyones lives. Every person that I now know or will ever know, will one day be dead.