March 1, 2011

(probably not going to be a very deep post, just random)

I can't believe it! I's my 20th Birthday! It was a surprisingly a good day. I woke up in a fabulous mood, even though I had to be to work at 8am and needed to drop off my brother at 7:30am. Work was fine even though the customers and co-workers were rude and annoying.

I feared that I would lose my job today due to a cashiering mistake on Saturday. It hasn't happened yet, so that is good news. I really don't want to be fired, but it seems kind of inevitable now. I'm mildly freaked out about what will happen after I lose my job and more freaked out about actually getting fired. I had a calming peace throughout the day today. I wasn't to worried about it. I's not as if i don't have faith that God can save my job, but I think that it might be in his will for me to leave this job. I don't like my job and would be in some ways relieved to be freed. I know that I will need to leave this job eventually, but might not be able to leave the security and familiarity without the push.

I'm glad that i didn't get fired today, because I would have been devastated and humiliated. Not a great way to celebrate my birthday. I feel as though God wants to bless me and knows what's best for me. Everything is right in his timing.


My fleshly desires, again have me striving for a car. all though cars seem to be a necessity, i'm not sure that is the wisest way to spend my money. what if God has something more planned for my immediate future that just a way to get around.



I wonder what i would do if I lost my job. Would I immediately start looking for a new one? Would it be irresponsible not to? Does God have something planned for my life, other than working for money? What kind of job would I look for? Nothing really seems to interest me. I want a bigger purpose in life! It's not as if I am discontent with where has put me in life, exactly, more that I want to be doing something significant. I realize that it is mostly for selfish reasons, because I want to be able to feel good about myself. but who doesn't? If I was doing what God wanted, shouldn't I feel good about it?


I'm so confused about my life. I feel so pointless. If I stay at my job any longer I will go crazy!



Most of the time, I know that God has a plan for my life and that I don't have to worry about it. God is preparing my Husband for me. I don't have to be out looking. Other times, especially lately, I've been worried, like what if I'm not in the right place. I'm not marrying anyone from my job, I'm not going to marry anyone from my church. So, where am I going to meet the Godly man that God has planned for me? I keep freaking out that I don't give myself enough opportunities to meet a husband. I never meet new people. I've been secluding myself.

I have to keep reminding myself that not only will God figure it out, but i'm not ready yet anyway. It doesn't matter if I don't have any opportunities. I need to grow up and be able to take care of myself. I need to learn to let God take care of me before I can be a wife. I need to mature. I have so much to learn.

I am lonely and want someone to love me. I know that this is bad and that I should be content with the love of God. He can love me the way no one else can, his love is stronger. Yet I still feel empty. I feel the need to seek approval from humans. I want someone to hold me, I want someone to be with me every day, I want someone to fight with(as strange as that may sound)

I am impatient for the husband God is preparing for me. I feel like the only healthy thing to do while I "wait" is to get ready. I need to be preparing myself to be a wife, instead of looking for the man. God is doing His part and I need to do mine. He's not going to give me a husband until I am ready.

This will give me motivation to seek God more. I feel that, even though I am seeking God, I am doing it for all the wrong reasons. Does God want me if I'm just using Him? Or does he willingly/ happily seek everything I give? Is this excuse okay, if it brings me closer to God?


I want to be a Godly woman that God would be proud of. I want to be mature in my relationship with Christ. I want to be able to participate successfully in society as a Godly wife, mother, person. Is this a bad thing? I want to be a participant. I want to step it up and take part in making a difference, Yet I still feel like my motives are selfish. I should be confident in myself in Christ. Why do I need a man? Why am I so insecure? I shouldn't need a husband to be a witness. But I REALLY want one.

This isn't right! All I should need is God! I should serve God with what I have.


What if God doesn't want me to have a Husband, just like he doesn't want me to use controlled substances? What if I am not strong enough in God to rely solely on Him. Would a husband be a crutch that I would lean on instead of God? I feel like that's what i'm already making him to be.


I HATE THAT I'M SO WEAK!