What's wrong with me:

Fear and Pride dictate my life.
I let fear get in the way of my faith. I limit God. I don't think he can do it all. I have Pride that tells me I can do it better on my own. I won't let anyone in or ask for help. I try to do everything on my own.
Distrust makes me want to keep secrets. My pride tells me I am stronger for doing it on my own. I am too proud to reveal any of my weaknesses.

I'm a fake. I try to present a false image of who I am. I feel weak and I try to hide that. I now realize that I overcompensate my insecurities.

_____________
I have decided that I will memorize verses about Pride and Fear.
The first verse I will memorize is Psalm 37:11 "But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace"

Oh man. My life is so screwed up, still.

no body know the pain I'm in, the troubles I am secretly dealing with. No one knows because I won't tell. I show no signs of what's really going on. I'm so secretive. to tell would be to say to much. I want to have fun, not talk about my problems. I want to appear to have it all together, mostly.

Me and God aren't getting along to well right now. Going to a Christian college made my walk more challenging. I miss my bible study, and my friends from home. I feel like everyone here is to perfect to here my problems. or else not serious enough. I feel like I need a friend to help me through this but I am too proud to call any of my friends.

I want everyone to think that I am okay. I can't admit that I made a mistake coming here. Even though it wasn't a mistake. I did what God told me.

I knew it since I got here that I am different from everyone else. most people here are dutch, reformed, or else they are from nearby and talk differently. I didn't realize until just now how much I miss home.

I am on the verge of a break down but I know I can't do anything without God.

The lack of privacy is driving me crazy I am parinoid that any minute someone could walk in.

I feel that God is for sure calling me away from Trinity, but I don't want to leave.
That's a big reason that God and I aren't getting along. I know what he is telling me, but I don't want to believe it. it is too hard. I feel like i'm being like Jonah.

I am afraid of the Future. I know that everything will work out how God wants it too. But I hate change. I am having a hard time enjoying today when I know it won't last long.

I feel like there is no one here I can trust. I have one friend who is always mean to me. but sometimes we have some good conversations. One time I accidentaly told her a secret(more like THE secret, the one no one else in the world knows.). It was related to the conversation topic, and it just came out. I regreted it immediatly, knowing that she is not an understanding person. She told everyone. (by everyone I mean one or two people)but it seemed like a big deal(HUGE deal). She was judgeing me and badmouthing me. I know I can't trust her, but I don't know who I can.

Though I haven't made any deeply intimite relationships with the people here. There are many girls that I have a strong conection to. I don't know how it happened to quickly, but we connect on some strange level. We are together all the time. It was the first time I have ever been able to profess my love so easily.

I can't imagine leaving these girls. and it suck keeping secrets from them. they all think that I am comming back next semester but I can't possibly tell them i'm not. especially with the future so uncertain.

I REALLY don't understand.

It seems as though the past two days the only thing i've been saying is "I don't understand." This has made me reallize how much I truly don't understand.

pathetically honest.

I know I am going to sound pathetic but I am being honest. I totally miss marshal. all i can think about is the good times we've had the past month dating. and the past three years of being friends.

the worst part is that now i wished we had kissed. all last weekend I was thinking about kissing him. I had decided that i would the next time i saw him. I know that my thoughts are are wrong. just yesterday i was so gad w hadn't kissed because if we had the break up would be worse. because when you kiss someone you give them a part of you that you can never get back. you have more ties to them.

the breakup.

So this is what finally went with. "yeah, so, umm. I don't think we should see each other anymore. Yeah, so. Bye. oh and, have a nice life..." I felt like such a b*tch. But I feel a lot better now.

I think it was over all a good break up. It was however on the phone. but it was good. I don't think I could have even said that in person. it would have bee soo embarrassing.

we texted right after. which I think was good because we got to actually say good bye. We didn't get to do that on the phone because I hung up so soon. I'm suprised i lasted as long as i did.

hearing his voice was so painful. I'm over it now. and i consder this a good experience. : ]

It's all thanks to God though. I can't tak any of the credit.

God is great.

I totally realized that I had again tried to make plans with out God. (I've REALLY go to stop doing that) I thought that I had it all figured out and that I didn't need any help. After I realized my mistake, I was thinking that I was stuck in my situation. (now i remember God helps us out of the situation, not just through. duh) I didn't even ask for God's help. I again tried to figure things out on my own. But even though I went against God's will he still forgives and helped me out of the mess i got myself into.

my relationship with marshal was basically ending it's self. But it wasn't until yesterday that it all finally clicked. I found out some things. and instead of letting it ruin me, i was totally cool about it. I realized that it was from God. Bad things happened, but God used it for good to get me out of a relationship that was a mistake in the first place.

Even though I was sure that it was obviously over, I just made it official by breaking up with him. It was painfully hard, but it was the best decision I've made in a while. Now I am sooo happy. and uberly thankful for all that God has done and continues to do.

"Still there for me"

"Still There For Me"

(feat. Vannesa Hudgens)

[Corbin]

Lately I've been thinking

About the things that we've been through

And I don't know if I'd be here,

If not for you

I had to take a little time

To try to work things out

And you should know that

I have never meant

To let you down

[Both]

[Chorus]

Cause I, I

Wannna tell you that I'm sorry

And I, I

Even when I'm not giving enough

And I'm taking too much

You're still there for me

Even when I got nothing at all

And I'm ready to fall

You're still there for me

There for meThere for me

Even when I can't be there for you

You're always there for me

[Vanessa]

Sometimes I know I can be

So hard to understand (It's ok)

Even when I'm lost

You show me who I really am

Life with me hasn't always been an easy ride

But because of you I've learned

To lose my selfish pride

[Both]

[Chorus]

Cause I, I

Wannna tell you that I'm sorry

And I, I

Even when I'm not giving enough

And I'm taking too much

You're still there for me

Even when I got nothing at all

And I'm ready to fall

You're still there for me

There for me

There for me

Even when I can't be there for you

Oh you're always there for me yeah

Oh no it's love

Ooooouuhhh (Oooohhh)

It must be loveOoohhh

It's gotta be real love (It's gotta be real love)

Even when I'm not giving enough

And I'm taking too much

You're still there for me

Even when I got nothing at all

And I'm ready to fall

You're still there for me

There for me

There for me

Even when I can't be there for you (When I can't be there)

Even when I can't be there for you

You're always there for me

out not through.

God doesn't just help you through the problem; he can help you out of the problem.

When we try to just get through the problem, we are underestimating God’s power.

_______



I thought that all of my problems were permanant, that They were things that I would have to deal with, and be struggling with my whole life.

I had realized that I needed God's help to get through the issue, but I never thought to ask him to help me out of the situation.

It wasn't until I had heard my grandpa talking to another guy. He said that he used to have a drinking problem, but God healed him. he also said that when people say that they will always be alcoholics that it is not true.

This was a big supprise to me. I struggle with addictive and reliant behavior. I thought that I was an alcoholic and always would be.

But now I know that I can over come that and my other addictions.

my realization

reality sunk in as I walked into my Math class. late. again for the third time this week. I realized how I must look to my classmates. I must seem lazy and inconsiderate. They all probably think that I am careless. And that's what I've been.

I really don't care about anything but my own comfort. I enjoy sleep, so that's what I do. Every time I tell myself that, I remember the verse: "...through love of sleep a man will be poorly clothed."- proverbs 23:21
or "Do not love sleep, or you will become poor; Open your eyes, and you will be satisfied with food."- Proverbs 20:13

wake up call!

Stop being lazy. Do things right. Don't be so selfish and think about how God would want you to act in this situation. Remember to let God's light show through all parts of your life. this includes effort, punctuality, relationships.

Being a christian should mean being perfect like Jesus. Though it is physically impossible to be perfect we should still strive for perfection and get as close as we can. Stop telling yourself that you are doing your best and put some effort into it.

__________
I had thought that I had changed and that I was living for the Lord. But when I think about it I can see that I am still being selfish and living for myself. I do what makes me feel good. I have higher expectations for myself, but it's for my own pride than to for God's glory.

____
I realize that this is my pride comming back. I think that part of my pride never left because I thought that I had it all together. My pride got in the way of looking for the pride in my life.

truth.

Truth is that which is absolute, that which is not false. A fact. Not necessarily only that which can be proven, for any theory can be proven in some way. Some say that truth is what you make it however; truth is so highly valued that when someone believes something they believe it to be absolutely true. No one can actually believe that truth is not definite.

Truth can sometimes be situational for instance the statement “The grass is green” may be true at the time that it is spoken, but necessarily have to remain true.
A universal truth is a statement is thought to always be true. For example:” Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.”

We believe that everything we believe is truth. Later we may learn new truths contrary to what was previously thought of as truth.

Truth is something that is very real and much unknown.

We don't have to know the truth for it to exist. Seeing shouldn’t always be believing. People often believe to be what they see or experience. Though perception is often thought to be truth, it is know that people often make mistakes, or do not see everything for its true form.

The truth is no one knows the truth, it cannot be known

What is truth...

What is truth...


Current mood:tired

Truth is that which is absolute, that which is not false. A fact. Not necessarily only that which can be proven, for any theory can be proven in some way. Some say that truth is what you make it however; truth is so highly valued that when someone believes something they believe it to be absolutely true. No one can actually believe that truth is not definite.

Truth can sometimes be situational for instance the statement “The grass is green” may be true at the time that it is spoken, but necessarily have to remain true.
A universal truth is a statement is thought to always be true. For example:” Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.”

We believe that everything we believe is truth. Later we may learn new truths contrary to what was previously thought of as truth.

Truth is something that is very real and much unknown.

We don't have to know the truth for it to exist. Seeing shouldn’t always be believing. People often believe to be what they see or experience. Though perception is often thought to be truth, it is know that people often make mistakes, or do not see everything for its true form.

The truth is no one knows the truth, it cannot be known

Happiness

The Key to Happiness is…

Happiness is a choice and is dependant upon one’s outlook on life. Happiness is a state of mind, and is not situational. Happiness is found through contentment, satisfaction, pleasure, and joy. Happiness is a constant choice. In order to have happiness, one must continually have a good attitude through all situations. It is possible to still have happiness even through unhappy situations. Whether sad, or disappointed, one can still have happiness through a good attitude. “What you seek is what you’ll find.” When you look for the good, that’s what you’ll find. Happiness comes in unselfish times. Here is a handy formula:

Happiness =
Satisfaction
________
Desires

The less one wants and the more contentment one has, the more happiness he will have.

Remember to want less and appreciate more.

word from God... I think.

I have thought about this before, but I really feel that God is calling me to work in for the government. I see so much injustice, and I want to make a change.

dissapointed

I was very sad when I found out that mr. harlan may be laid off, and may not have a job for next year. mr harlan i sthe best teacher I have ever had. but i am kind of excited, because I have started a new project because of it. because he is such a great person, and wonderful teacher, I am willing to do whatever I can for him. I am currently working on a persuasive speech/ letter, persuading who ever is in charge to let him keep his job.

I have more to say, but got distracted because this topic really gets me fired up.
I wish that schools would put the students first.

still a learning experience. a lesson in forgiveness.

after going through a time of being completely humiliated and ashamed by my mistake with vicodin, I began to see what I could learn from the experience. But the guilt still remained.

I had already asked God for forgiveness, but was still strugling to forgive myself.

I began to research 'how to forgive myself' and this is what I found.

Accept whatever it is that you want to forgive yourself for, as something that cannot be changed. Ask yourself what belief value did you break during the experience, is this belief value really yours or do you agree it's one you must forgive yourself for breaking. Then, ask yourself why you went against this belief and identify triggers that put you in a position to go against what you believe. Decide how you will modify this behavior so it will not happen again. Commit to making this personal change because otherwise the appearance is, you do not hold to your own belief values. It's not unusual for us to modify our personal beliefs and values as we mature, and within reason, you can say nothing we do in our daily life is so much a mistake but a learning experience and where we learn about ourselves and our charterer makeup. Then after this honest self-evaluation, put the matter behind you, away but not forget, so as to not dwell on this situation any longer. You live and learn and move forward, but to keep a hold by dwelling on your mistakes will keep focus on mistakes, and we tend to head in the direction we are focused.

__________

What I did is in the past. It cannot be changed. When I took the pills, I broke my vow to God and myself to never do drugs. I gave up control of my body. I defiled God’s temple. I was not trusting in God, and tried to fix things on my own. I did this because I was discouraged. I lost hope. I was not following God. I was being selfish.
Triggers: bad situation.

Next time: I will pray. Throughout this current struggle, I have not been praying at all. I have only been trying to do things my own. I must remember proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.” I will modify this behavior by not allowing myself to be in a time without prayer. I must watch myself closely so that I will not rely on my own understanding.

I have learned that

Having a bad attitude is so easy. Many times it seems like more of a situation than a choice.

Sometimes it is a conscious decision, but other times it is a subconscious attitude that dictates the way we act.

_______
"everything happens for a reason and good things can come from bad decisions if you allow them to."
- it's all about attitude. If you look for the good, that's what you'll find.

Vicodin, my regret, humiliation, and learning experience

All last week was full of pain. I made it through the week, but I was too distracted and conflicted to get anything done. I didn't do any homework, and couldn't focus in class.

I was upset by how bad I had been doing in school, and monday night I decided on a solution. I remebered the full bottle of vicodin I had kept in my drawer in case of emergency. I dug it out and did some research. I had heard that it could get a person high, and since it is a pain reliever, it should help with my troubles. After careful consideration, I decided against the pills, and vowed to throw them out in the morning. When morning came, I had unbearable menstral cramps. So I searched high and low for where I put the bottle. After a long time, I finally found it. I took two and a half (only half a pill more than the perscribed dose.) It took about 20 minutes for it to kick in, and when it did, it was a beautiful thing. I was riding in the car, in the seat next to my mom. I was upset with her for all of the pain she has caused me. When the medicine kicked in, I suddenly felt all warm and fuzzy inside. And it made me smile. I felt wonderfull, I wanted it to last forever.

My mouth and the rest of me began to go numb. Numb, what a great feeling, to feel nothing at all. All of the pain was gone.

Throughout my classes I was pretty impressed with the pills, I didn't feel the pain and was able to focus on my class work. I was a little warm, but really happy.

I had always heard that drugs can't fix the problem. and heard that it just causes more pain when you just try to mask the pain instead of finding a solution. But there was no solution to my problem, and this high felt damn good.

By lunch, it had worn off, and I was begining to feel my cramps again. it had been five hours so I figured it would be okay if I took two and a half more pills. I then began to feel sick to my stomach, drowsy, and I had a headache.
I was sure I looked terrible.

The most embarrassing part was leading a bible study, when I could hardly read. Or going down the hall bible in hand, when I can hardly walk straight.

I was so embarresed and I felt like such a hippocrite.
___________________________
I didn't learn, while in my situation, but I learned from it afterwards. No I am able to look back and see how stupid I was.


I had been reading in hebrews, in my bible study about our lives making it harder for others. I felt so embarrassed because I knew the whole time that that is what I was doing. I thought that I looked rediculous and that everyone could tell. In conversations in class or otherwise, I kept wanting to bring up the fact that I had taken 5 tablets of vicodin, or that I was high becasue of it. I knew that I looked stupid and that I was being a bad witness.

Like all of the time I spent loving, and being a good witness was now destroyed because of my actions now.

-----

i also learned that I completely ignored God and tried to do things on my own. I trusted the pills more than I trusted God.

I have also learned how easy it is to predecide the outcome. - that's what I did without even realizing it. I was expecting bad things to happen.

"I'd tell you to have a nice day, but I think you've made other plans"

By the end of the day, I was filling terrible. I was tired, and sick to my stomach. And now I was crying uncontrollably. I didn't know why I was said or why I was crying, but I couldn't stop. I took a walk around in the school hall way before returning to the library. I now had an angry espression on my face. I don't know what was wrong with me. I tried to to my homework, but I was to tired, and I had a headache. I was still crying, and I couldn't talk. I went to the printer to pick up my pages. Mr. Harlan was sitting at the front desk, he looked at me strangely and asked if i was sick or something. I was sure that he knew that it was the or something. He told me that I looked unhappy and I said that I was. He asked me what was wrong, and i said that I couldn't talk about it. I couldn't talk about it because i didn't even know what was wrong. When it was time to leave, I told him to have a nice day. this is what he said in response "I'd tell you to have a nice day, but I think you've made other plans" I stopped and thought about it because Mr. Harlan is full of truth, and always had something intelligent to say. I thought about it trying to figure out if he was right. Had I already made plans to be unhappy? I'd done that before, but this was not the case. I was trying to get by.- so I thought.

I had come to the conclusion that mr. Harlan was off this time, but I appreciated that he actually cared.

Later that night his word stuck with me, and I realized that he was right. When I took the pills, I was giving up. I had already decided that the day was going to be hard and that I couldn't do it. I relied on the pills to get me through the day instead of relying on God.

"I love the morning, but hate the evening."
not at all because I am a morning person, but because a new day is a new chance to try again, do do new things, and to make a change. In the evenings, I realize that the day is nearly gone and is all but wasted.

I should be writing, but i am so irritated and conflicted. i'm so angry.

"have no fear, Amber is here!"

thursday 5/21/2009
to do list:
Chris mccandless essay
10 english journal entries
pack for the weekend. Yay memorial day! yay for camping. YAY for civil war re-enacting.
sleep. YAY for SLEEP!

what I hate most...

The thing that I hate most about essays is that at one moment I am all excited and full of good thoughts, pounding away at the keyboard, and then the next minute, I am completely uninspired at a total blank, can't think of a single thought of the idea that I was heading with.

I love to write essays because it gives me a chance to learn, and to decide and express the way i feel. It gives me the chance to share another side. my side and point of view.

Every-time I see him he makes me smile and i get so happy. We chatted in the hallway and then I was ecstatic. Seeing him turned my day around-until I got home.

so friggin pissed, hurt, and embarrassed

I was uninformed that today there would be people looking at our house. So I come home to there being strangers in my house who went into my room without my knowledge. I would have only been mildly offended by this had it not been for this being a busy crazy week in which I was very angry and left my clean clothes sprawled about. So not only were there strangers in my room without my knowledge, but they also saw my underwear!!!!!!!!! This is unmistakably the most embarrassing thing that has happened in my life!

I am sure that my mom has yet to noticed that I am not talking to her, so she should have told me that this would happen. Had I been warned, my clothes would have been put away and all personal or identifieable decorations would be put away. Now these strangers know my full name, have seen pictures of me, and have seen my underwear.

I feel like my mom keeps trying to find new ways to torture me. She totally yanks around my emotions. Like how we had a really big fight on sunday, she tottaly acted like nothing was different the next morning. She just expects me to be completely the same after she hurt me yet another time.

I just remembered that I had my journal left wide open in my bedroom. It's not like they would have read it, i don't think, but it's just the thought of it. My journal is so private I never want anyone to see the inside. I know that if it is so private, I should have had it put away. but I was writing in it late last night just before I fell asleep, then I woke up this morning and got ready to go to school. plus, i didn't think anyone would be in my room. Everyone is gone all day and doesn't return until I do. When I do leave home and i know that other's will be home I will hide it, but i forgot last night because i wanted to have it near in case I needed to right down anything further.

there is so much more I need to say, but the time is late and I have been delayed long enough. I must now get to my homework.

I feel so violated, I don't want to go in my own room anymore. my bedroom used to be one of my favorite places, it felt so comfortable, and so me. Now I shudder everytime I go in there. I am just so grossed out and disturbed.

I guess that this experience has changed my feelings about moving. I used to be upset about moving, because I liked my room so much and i just wanted to keep things the way they are. Now I am sickened and dread the times when I will have to be in my room.

hunger meets student of the world

in my cwa class we talked about the differences between poverty in america and poverty elsewhere. I have experienced an example of that for myself today. and have come to the conclusion that "you don't know what hunger is until you eat something that you don't like." or would rather eat something you don't like.

Yes there has been situations in which i have eaten foods that I don't like. In those times it was usually I'm hungry but this is what's for dinner.

I was thinking to myself 'poor me. I'm hungry.' i was thinking that i finnaly understood what hunger was. until i realized that there was rice crispies and corn flakes in the cupboard. I was unwilling to eat these things despite my hunger. I did however get a slight glimpse of hunger as I flung open cupboards in search for food. and as i viciously cut open a can of olives(the can opener has already been packed away in a box somewhere) I was willing to eat strange combinations of food like a hunk of cheese with a can of olives and the last egg. But not foods that are distasteful.

________

semi related topic-

I have come to realize how much I love to learn. I enjoy the situations out of the class room in which I experince the primnciples taught in the class room. I love to partake in thought provoking conversations. Though I am not much of a talker, give me a good topic to talk about and I am all for it. I love being a student of the world.

________

random stream of conciousness...

my is all over the place.

My house, my rules. MY ASS.

I'm eighteen years old, and a senior in high school. Along with becoming a senior came more respect from my mom, even more after my eighteenth birthday. After turning eighteen, my mom would tell my little brother that I could do this or that because I'm an adult. She has been telling me that I can and need to make dicisions for myself. Today was one of the worst betrayals of that. I got a long (unlogical) lecture and (rediculous) question hounded at me. all while my step dad kept getting closer, yelling in my face. I think that the right to remain silent should be a right in our own house as well. but then again there's the "YOU ARE THE CHILD" factorI'm thinking really last week I was an adult.I generally refused to answer all of the questions (they don't understand anything I say. So when I do say something it just makes us them upset, and gives us more to argue about. I can't give them that satisfaction.) because they were almost entirely crazy and rediculous. I feel like I have the right not to answer. But of course "when asked a question you must answer... even if it is none of our business." and "'as long as you're living under my roof you have to follow my rules,' understand?" me "actually, no. I don't understand why I have to answer questions that I don't feel you even have the right to answer."Him. "fine then you're grounded till graduation!"me... thinking but not saying... (ohh wow. Like i had any where to go till graduation. I don't have any friends, and track got out last week. ha ha. the way to defeat a parents dicipline. have no life at all.)- that's really patheticI haven't been grounded for at least a year but this time it is not so bad. It actually feels quite freeing. Now no matter what I do I know that there is no more they can do to me. I did however start balling at the pure insanity of lack of respact they give to me. I don't know how they can disrespect anyone so much! even if i am the child. they are now completely powerless. what are they going to do? kick me out? - yeah right. My mom can't even kick out her enemies. Later my mom came to talk to me. And as always she spews nonsense while i just sit there. I know that if i say anything it will just drag it out and get nothing accomplished. I have the whole thing going through my head of what I could say, but I just sit there in silence with tears rolling down my cheeks. My mom just keeps saying illogical nonsense, I don't even think that she believes it's true. I head it in her voice one of the times, she realized that what she said makes no sense at all. She couldn't even I can't believe it didn't save it all. this is only half of it. I could be deeply troubled by that fact that I wrote an epic blog and a large portion of it was lost. by I do have some other stuff to add, different from what I had before. it hurts so bad.the pain is so great It hurts so badly that I feel scared, weak, unsafe. my chest hurts. i can't breathe. However, I cannot and will not show my mom the hurt she has caused me. I must put on an act to ward of more questions and monolouges- though this will be what my mom wants (she expects me to act happy like nothing happened. it will show her what a brat I am,) I will not give either of them the satiesfaction of knowing the pain they've caused me. If my mom ever saw this I'm sure I would die. that is one of the risks of posting it online, but I feel better with it being where the whole world can see.... i don't know why it strangely makes me feel better. sorry for the spelling mistakes, the spell check didn't work. darn, I just remembered that at the very bottom was a kind of revelation/ question to the world. I guess I will have to post it later. I am in too great of pain and have to prepare for tomorrow.

Funny story.

Funny to me but probably not to you.

I was writing a paper for English class and was trying to think of the word dynamic. I started out by typing Dimatic. I was very confused when Microsoft word told me it was spelled wrong. I tried to find the correct spelling after admitting to myself that it did kind of look weird and I must have spelled it wrong. When I could not find the correct spelling I began to get very confused. Usually finding the correct spelling is much easier. I then began spelling it different ways and looking it up in the thesaurus(one of my most used websites). I figured that they would be able to figure out what I was trying to spell. First I tried dimatic, then diamatic, then diamic. Finally it figured out that the word I was trying to spell was dynamic. Of course that was the word how could I not figure that out. I then laughed profusely at myself for forgetting the word and the way I got to finding it.

life sucks.

life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks. life sucks.

Ok so that's just how I feel right now. I know I am being a whiner baby, and basically a brat. I shouldn't be saying that my is so terrible when I have it a lot better than many people. However I am just super annoyed with life right now (for reasons mentioned in previous post) and I thought it had the right to know.

That brings me to wonder... Is life alive? If not I tottaly personified it in that last sentence.

My last thought is GRRRRRRRRRRRR. and then GGRRRRRRRRRR to myself for being so GRRRRRRRRRRR. ok. I'm done. But actually not really. Good thing I am not actually saying this out loud. otherwise who ever I was saying this to sould be very upset. Also I am kind of sorry to whoever is reading this rediculous post. ok one last GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr

Senior year...

How any one survives past senior year is beyond me.

I Just got back from senior prom and now I am suddenly extremely sad. More sad than I have been about the end of high school. Most would be glad to be getting out of high school, and in some ways I am. I other ways I am completely terrified. I fell like my life is ending. I keep thinking of all of the things that I should of done better. But now it's too late. Time keeps passing bye too fast. Pretty soon I will be graduating and I will never see any of my friends again. This really is the end of my life. This life is ending. The life with the people I've seen everyday for the past few years. The life of living with my parents and family for the past 18 years. The Life of going to school five days a week with teachers and principals basically taking care of me. My whole life I've known exactly what to do. There was always someone making the rules and setting the schedule. Now I have to decide what to do after Highschool. What to do. After graduation I start a new life. I will be in control and I will be responsible for making decisions. I will meet new people make new friends, and basically be cut of from the old ones. It's scary to think that soon all of what I know will be gone. I will live in a new place and be doing different things. I am so deathly afraid of change...


Tonight was such a great night I sometimes wish that when I fall asleep I will never wake up. I don't want to face tomorrow. I wish I could just cease to exist. wouldn't that be great. to bad.


I'm stuck in this never ending torturous insanity called life.