All last week was full of pain. I made it through the week, but I was too distracted and conflicted to get anything done. I didn't do any homework, and couldn't focus in class.
I was upset by how bad I had been doing in school, and monday night I decided on a solution. I remebered the full bottle of vicodin I had kept in my drawer in case of emergency. I dug it out and did some research. I had heard that it could get a person high, and since it is a pain reliever, it should help with my troubles. After careful consideration, I decided against the pills, and vowed to throw them out in the morning. When morning came, I had unbearable menstral cramps. So I searched high and low for where I put the bottle. After a long time, I finally found it. I took two and a half (only half a pill more than the perscribed dose.) It took about 20 minutes for it to kick in, and when it did, it was a beautiful thing. I was riding in the car, in the seat next to my mom. I was upset with her for all of the pain she has caused me. When the medicine kicked in, I suddenly felt all warm and fuzzy inside. And it made me smile. I felt wonderfull, I wanted it to last forever.
My mouth and the rest of me began to go numb. Numb, what a great feeling, to feel nothing at all. All of the pain was gone.
Throughout my classes I was pretty impressed with the pills, I didn't feel the pain and was able to focus on my class work. I was a little warm, but really happy.
I had always heard that drugs can't fix the problem. and heard that it just causes more pain when you just try to mask the pain instead of finding a solution. But there was no solution to my problem, and this high felt damn good.
By lunch, it had worn off, and I was begining to feel my cramps again. it had been five hours so I figured it would be okay if I took two and a half more pills. I then began to feel sick to my stomach, drowsy, and I had a headache.
I was sure I looked terrible.
The most embarrassing part was leading a bible study, when I could hardly read. Or going down the hall bible in hand, when I can hardly walk straight.
I was so embarresed and I felt like such a hippocrite.
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I didn't learn, while in my situation, but I learned from it afterwards. No I am able to look back and see how stupid I was.
I had been reading in hebrews, in my bible study about our lives making it harder for others. I felt so embarrassed because I knew the whole time that that is what I was doing. I thought that I looked rediculous and that everyone could tell. In conversations in class or otherwise, I kept wanting to bring up the fact that I had taken 5 tablets of vicodin, or that I was high becasue of it. I knew that I looked stupid and that I was being a bad witness.
Like all of the time I spent loving, and being a good witness was now destroyed because of my actions now.
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i also learned that I completely ignored God and tried to do things on my own. I trusted the pills more than I trusted God.
I have also learned how easy it is to predecide the outcome. - that's what I did without even realizing it. I was expecting bad things to happen.
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