Oh man. My life is so screwed up, still.

no body know the pain I'm in, the troubles I am secretly dealing with. No one knows because I won't tell. I show no signs of what's really going on. I'm so secretive. to tell would be to say to much. I want to have fun, not talk about my problems. I want to appear to have it all together, mostly.

Me and God aren't getting along to well right now. Going to a Christian college made my walk more challenging. I miss my bible study, and my friends from home. I feel like everyone here is to perfect to here my problems. or else not serious enough. I feel like I need a friend to help me through this but I am too proud to call any of my friends.

I want everyone to think that I am okay. I can't admit that I made a mistake coming here. Even though it wasn't a mistake. I did what God told me.

I knew it since I got here that I am different from everyone else. most people here are dutch, reformed, or else they are from nearby and talk differently. I didn't realize until just now how much I miss home.

I am on the verge of a break down but I know I can't do anything without God.

The lack of privacy is driving me crazy I am parinoid that any minute someone could walk in.

I feel that God is for sure calling me away from Trinity, but I don't want to leave.
That's a big reason that God and I aren't getting along. I know what he is telling me, but I don't want to believe it. it is too hard. I feel like i'm being like Jonah.

I am afraid of the Future. I know that everything will work out how God wants it too. But I hate change. I am having a hard time enjoying today when I know it won't last long.

I feel like there is no one here I can trust. I have one friend who is always mean to me. but sometimes we have some good conversations. One time I accidentaly told her a secret(more like THE secret, the one no one else in the world knows.). It was related to the conversation topic, and it just came out. I regreted it immediatly, knowing that she is not an understanding person. She told everyone. (by everyone I mean one or two people)but it seemed like a big deal(HUGE deal). She was judgeing me and badmouthing me. I know I can't trust her, but I don't know who I can.

Though I haven't made any deeply intimite relationships with the people here. There are many girls that I have a strong conection to. I don't know how it happened to quickly, but we connect on some strange level. We are together all the time. It was the first time I have ever been able to profess my love so easily.

I can't imagine leaving these girls. and it suck keeping secrets from them. they all think that I am comming back next semester but I can't possibly tell them i'm not. especially with the future so uncertain.