Dealing with Health Issues

At the beginning of this year I decided to start seeing a doctor for some strange symptoms that I had been experiencing for several months. So far, there has been a lot of testing and waiting. My symptoms are not normal and in my opinion not acceptable. I can handle the symptoms, but I'm just feeling worried that there is something really wrong.

Free to Fail

I just sent an email to my fiance who is away on business. The email contained intimate details about things that I struggle with. I feel like I am growing into a new phase in my life in which I can share my failures without being labeled by them. I have something that I have not yet overcome. I have struggled with being grossly greedy. I can admit that without fear of being known as a terribly human being. It's definitely scary to be exposed like that. I want everyone to think good of me. But part of growing in trust is becoming vulnerable and exposed, letting people see the ugly parts of you. I feel like in comparison to my fiance, I'm a much worse person. I feel like he is so much more put together than me- but that's probably not true. We both have our DIFFERENT WEAKNESSES. And we need each other to compliment one- another. To be strong where the other is weak. Together we are one. We don't have to be the same. We are free to be ourselves. I am free to be me- just as I am.

Created to Create

I have never thought of myself as creative, but I realize that I have a passion to create. A passion to communicate. I feel most alive when I am writing, and expressing myself. I love blogging, and writing letters. I love making video blogs also, and I want to do more of it. I love journaling and teaching. I love production and producing. I love ideas and building.

Prayer: 
God, I realize that you have created me to create and to communicate. Help me push past all fear that keeps me from expressing myself. Help me to walk in freedom. Help me to not let any lies stop me from being who you have created me to be. 

10 Days of Why He Loves Me

On Sunday morning I got a letter and a gift from my fiance. The letter explained that for the next 10 days I will have a treasure hidden for me. There would be clues and I would have to open each one on the specific day. :D

This definitely made me feel loved that my fiance would do something so thoughtful and caring.

DAY ONE:




The first day I got a mirror. The letter said that my fiance loves that I am me. He says that I am special just the way I am- the way God created me to be.

This made me feel loved and accepted. This was a very powerful gift because it spoke right to what I needed to hear. It's okay to be me. I am loved.















DAY TWO:

On Day Two I got a keyboard and a letter telling me that my fiance loves that I am smart. 

This made me feel important and appreciated. It makes me feel important that someone thinks that I am smart, because that means I have something of value to offer. It makes me feel appreciated that he recognizes my ability.

Day Three:

He Loves That I am Creative.

I don't usually think of myself as being creative. The fact that my fiance can see something in me that I can't see in myself makes me feel believed in. He believes that I have the ability to create. He believes in my ideas. He believes in my ability to do something good. 

Loved!

I'm in Love I'm in Love and I don't care who knows it!

I feel like the absolutely most luckiest girl to be loved by such a great man.

Right now my fiance is giving me a gift a day, with a letter for 10 Days. Each thing represents something he loves about me. Today I got a mirror, because he loves that I am me. Accompanying the mirror was a lovely letter expressing how special I am, just the way I am. This letter spoke to me because I struggle with feelings of rejection. It was a special sentiment to shows that I am accepted.

My fiance is such a caring and thoughtful guy. I feel so blessed that God has given him to me. My fiance is the greatest gift I could ever have.

Every good and perfect gift comes from God.

Prayer:
God, thank you for loving me. Thank you for blessing me so much. Thank you for giving me good gifts. Thank you for caring about me and knowing me. Thank you for giving me more than I deserve. I appreciate you. Help me to remember you and to not forget how much I need you. Help me to remember that you are my source. I truly would have nothing without you. I give you all of the Glory and all of the praise. 

Who's Your Daddy

I'm working on a lesson for children's church about what a great Father we have in God.
It makes me think about how some of my students don't have the best of fathers. They have been hurt by their fathers

I feel God leading me that we should pray for the students who have been hurt by their dads. Pray that God will heal their hurts, fix all of the broken places, and fill all of the gaps that their fathers haven't filled.

Risking Failure for Something Good.

I took risk in another way, hoping to cause change. I accepted a request to join my church's Flag Dance Team. This is a team that ministers to the church by using flags. We believe that God will use the team and our flags to cause spiritual change to happen. I joined this team in faith, but with much doubt- if that makes any sense. I joined the team to show to show God that I believed in Him, more than I believed in myself. I questioned whether or not I had the ability to cause spiritual change. But I took a leap of faith, believing that God is able beyond my ability. I questioned if something was wrong with me, wondering if I could be used by God. But I believed that God is more powerful than me and has the ability to use anyone. God has even used a donkey before. I was afraid. I felt like I didn't belong on the team. I wondered if I made the wrong decision to join.

Yesterday I had my first opportunity to minister with the team. One of the ministry activities we did was to wave a flag over a person to intercede on their behalf. Afterward the person being ministered to would share what they had felt was being ministered. When my person came to share what I had been ministering to him- he said "I don't know, I just know a flag was being waved over me, I don't know if anything happened." My heart immediately sank. I began to question my ability again. I thought "Maybe I can't do this. Maybe all I did was wave a flag and nothing happened." But then another thought came to mind. I am called to do this. God will use me. God has been speaking the verse to me

Romans 8:28  And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 

Whether or not the one being ministered to knew it or not God was doing something. I would trust God beyond what I could see. I chose to believe beyond proven evidence. 

The prophetic word I was releasing was that "God was giving faith to laugh in the face of danger, and the courage to trust God in the unknown" 

I feel like this prophetic word was being brought by the fact that he didn't know what was happening. God was bringing an unknown situation and telling him that it's okay to not know. 

I feel like I was also encouraged by the word because I feel like God was giving those things to me also. I had been given the ability to trust God in the face of unknown and to laugh at the lies of the enemy. 

I took risk by choosing to minister not knowing if anything would come from it. I didn't risk anything big. Nothing bad was going to happen to me. What I did risk was failing. Risk can lead to failure or something good. I choose to not be afraid of failure. 

Posting in Faith

A few months back I started a YouTube channel. The had a few videos called Follow Me Friday- videos in which I recorded my day. The other videos were random blogs of my thoughts and things I was thankful for. I really want to blog more both here and on YouTube. I'm not sure why I haven't. I really just need to make the time for it.

Something cool happened yesterday at work when a co-worker of mine told me that she likes to watch my YouTube videos over and over again. She said that I am an inspiration and that I changed her life. I inspire her to be a better person. WOW! It's so great to find out that something I do matters. I am a life changer. Isn't that what everyone wants is to make a difference, to live with purpose? I posted the videos to be an encouragement, but I didn't know if it would work. Similarly, I write these blogs in faith, hoping that someone will be strengthened and encouraged. I don't know what will come of my actions, but I do my part hoping that it has purpose. I ask God to use me, to use my experiences for good. I have faith that God will do things beyond what I can see. 

Hearing feedback from my coworker that I had made a difference was great. It was really encouraging to hear- but that usually doesn't happen. Even when you don't hear how your actions are making a difference, you still have to try. That's what faith is, acting when you don't have a guarantee that something will happen, but believing that all things will work out. 

It is impossible to please God without Faith. 

Without faith I would choose selfishly to only do things that are guaranteed. 

Reflecting on Today 1/6/15

Right now my finger tips are sore from playing guitar. I hadn't played for a very long time. I stopped playing a while back because of a sore throat or shortness of breath. I only like to play while singing.

When playing guitar I sang praises to God. I felt sincere with the lyrics, but for some reason I just didn't feel like I was connecting to God. I feel like God and I aren't as close as I would like, but I'm not sure what to do about it.

I'm sad that my fiance had a friend who died 1 year ago. I don't know what it's like to lose someone- but I do know what it's like to hold a sobbing man who has faced that loss. I feel so helpless to not be able to fix it. I feel so useless/ irrelevant to not be able to help. I feel selfish for making this about me. I feel weird that this is part of his life that I can't understand. I feel like I don't really know him. I feel angry that this happened to someone I love. Why didn't God answer my prayers? I want my fiance to be happy.

God, I need your help. Help my fiance to be comforted. Do what only you can do. Bring healing.

Feeling Alone

A little over a month ago I had a conflict with someone who I thought was a friend. I felt betrayed and mistreated. I feel like this moment redefined my relationship For some reason this conflict had a really big impact on me. Nothing has been the same since then and I have basically wanted to build a wall from all people. I feel like I can't trust anyone.

I basically am annoyed/ irritated by all people and don't want to be around anyone.

I (almost) feel like I can't talk to anyone because it feels like no one is on my side. I talk to my fiance, but I'm tired of being such a downer.

I feel like if I continue at this rate I'll be alone forever- and I don't want that. People scare me, so I push them away.

Prayer: God HELP! Only you know what I need. I don't want to change because I want to feel safe from people. I want to keep them away. I want to be right. I want to be powerful. I want to have the power to not let them affect me. Help me hear your voice. Help comfort my fears. Give me your strength. Help me see that I am strong enough to face the truth.