This month...

I've got to admit that this past month has been pretty difficult. Master's Commission has it's way of bringing out the worst in me sometimes. It gets exhausting to be around the same people for such long periods of time. In these situations, my patience is tested. Long-suffering. The ability to put up with people's annoyances without getting frustrated or angry. For me I failed the test of patience this month. It seemed as though every action of my classmates got on my nerves. I was very judgmental it's as though I was looking for things that were wrong with them. Maybe I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm better. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying so hard, but it's never good enough. I hate to be wrong. I'm very defensive because I don't want what I do to be a failure. I don't want to be like everyone else who messes up. God is the source for all of My needs. I need to stop looking to my relationships to feel loved. Thanksgiving break I was looking forward to seeing my family again, since I don't see them very often. I felt like I din't belong there. Everyone else in my family has values that are different then me. There actions were ones that I didn't want to be a part of. That's why I feel so alone because whether it's with family or at school, there's things that I don't want to be associated with, things that I don't support. At work a co-worker of mine was making fun of me in a joking sort of way, but I really couldn't stand the negativity directed at me. I knew that she didn't mean to hurt me, but it hurt. Even if it was a joke it still made me feel rejected and inadequate. I felt like everything wrong with me was being pointed out. This situation at my job made me realize that I am really sensitive about being rejected. I felt rejected last year in Master's Commission and carried those feelings with me. I took every action a person did as an act of rejecting me. I was constantly offended. I feel like I don't want to be here, but there's no where else to go. One of the reasons that I was so upset was because I felt hopeless to my situation. I felt under it. I didn't know what I could do, but suffer through. I realized that from the beginning I've been checked out of Master's Commission. Things weren't the way I had expected, and I was trying to figure out how to deal with it. I had accepted Master's Commission as being below standard. After what was a terrible week, I felt pretty distressed. But then God told me that it's not hopeless. I know that I live for the God of Hope. I remembered that God uses all things for good. My life seemed pretty miserable, but I knew there was a reason for it. I realized that I am a mess. I keep trying to hide it so that no one will find out. But I'm so messy that people can already tell. With the arrogance that I've been living in, it makes it seem like I don't recognize my faults. I'm okay with hurting people instead of apologizing. I justify that I was right, so I don't have to admit wrong. I realized that I have been putting myself first. I stopped living my life for others. I have been unsatisfied because I wasn't giving. It's more blessed to give than to receive. I am more than a conqueror. I have determined to conquer all that threatens to hold me back. I'm not giving up! My God is on my side! I feel like I keep messing up, therefore I don't want to care sometimes.

I belong to you forever I belong to you! not like...

I belong to you forever I belong to you!

not like a regular ember. Can't be blown out by the wind or any person or any pastor.

My lesson in "Loving One Another"

“I didn’t do anything wrong, and I’m not going to apologize. I have a comeback and I could totally win this.” I thought to myself. I could point out the fact that the other person is in the wrong and “how dare I get treated this way.” To me, the conflict seems to show the other person’s lack of value for our relationship. I would like to confront that person and tell her, but I would rather not make a mess of things. I don’t know if my desire to avoid conflict is with selfless motivations or selfish. I don’t want to be the bad guy, but I also want to protect the other person from her actions.

When Jesus said: “Love your neighbor as yourself,” He was not saying to reduce hostilities with your neighbor for your mutual benefit. He was saying that we are to care about others with pure motivation—for their sakes and for their sakes alone- to love unconditionally. I will not allow another person’s actions to devalue our friendship; I will protect it with love. I will fight for my friend and not make myself in opposition.

He told us to love God first. It is only as we love God and begin to understand and trust Him, that we have confidence in what He has done in creating us and designing a plan for us. Because I trust God and His plans I am confident that He will bring peace and strength to my relationships. Love is not to ignore confrontation or continue to have hidden anger. Love forgives.

Using the Past

I’ve lied about my past, denying that I had ever done anything wrong. Out of pride, I wanted to preserve my image and have people think only the best of me. Seeking to gain power and authority, I would hide anything that could damage my credibility. I fought to defy the negative expectations that were falsely put over my life. I was embarrassed of the mistakes I had made and kept them a secret as to not hinder my quest to prove myself worthy. I just knew that no matter what good I did it was never enough if a few black spots of my past were visible.

I felt as though if I were to admit that I had problems, people would treat me as though I had problems. I wanted to control the behavior of others by censoring the information they knew about me. Based on the labels people put on me, I was afraid that no one would be able to separate my actions from my character. The judgments and expectations reigned stronger than truth and I knew more of what others thought of me, than of my true identity.

Truthfully, I’ve made many wrong decisions that I regret, but can’t take back. The past has already happened, to deny it would be to lie. I refuse to live a lie any longer. I will not forget the past, not forget what the Lord has delivered me from. God deserves His glory. Who am I to steal from His testimony? Though I may not like what I did, I am thankful for what God has done in me. The Lord has brought me thus far and deserves all of the credit, even if it means that I won’t look good. My job, is to bring God glory, not to look good while doing it.

As I remember the past, I am overtaken not with shame, but with thanksgiving for all that God has done for me. I do not relive the past punishing myself for the already erased sins -paid for by the blood of Jesus. My past has robbed me of enough already. I have felt in bondage to the sins in my life, stuck in a pattern of destruction. Now that I know the love of God, I am free from sinning. If I am free from the sin, why on earth would I chain myself to it again? I am free! I will live free and not carry around the bondage of secrecy for what I have done in the past.

I can’t hold my love back from Him. God has won me, and deserves 100% of my life, including my once ugly past. God is my creator, He makes beauty my ashes. The LORD is more than able to use the mess I’ve made and craft it into life.

There’s a question that keeps bombarding my thoughts: “You going to keep that?” That’s the things, it’s my choice. I can choose keep my problems, OR, I can choose freedom. I can choose to not be held back. The more I hold on to a secret, protecting it, the less I can embrace God’s promises. "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and…(self preservation/ secrets)."

My past, proves the greatness of God. God can use anyone. God can cause miraculous changes unimaginable.

How big is your God? How big is your belief in Him?
Do you believe that He cannot bring good out of a bad situation?
My God is a God who raises the dead! Breathes life! Makes all things work together for Good!

God sure is great!

God has used Master’s Commission to cause transformations in my life that I never thought possible. Prior to coming to Master’s Commission, I was living a defeated life reflecting my lack in understanding of who God truly is. Although I have always believed in God, I didn’t allow Him to have a continual involvement in my life. My life was completely self-centered ordeal. I wasn’t looking to God to fill my needs for love. I poured all of my love into myself, believing the lie that I wouldn’t be loved any other way. I had no compassion for others and was constantly trying to “win” by exalting myself and gaining victory over other people. I didn’t care for others because I believed that if I showed affection I was allowing them access and control my inner self, and therefore gaining influence or power. I sought to be independent and unaffected by others, when in reality I was utterly controlled by the perception that others had on me. I was really hurting by wanted to appear to be in control, so I built up walls to keep people out of my heart.

Competing with and acting on the perceptions of others was truly a burdensome process that consumed my life in fear, and loneliness. Because I let the labels of others control the way I acted, I was constantly unsure of how to act and frightened by the outcome of every encounter. I sought to control others and what they thought of me so I existed in presenting only half truths, or certain angles of me, avoiding intimacy and fearing what would happen if anyone were to find out who the real me was. Secrets were my only communication and the method of my survival. I was ashamed of who I was and afraid of not being accepted. The fact that I had so many different personas to portray to every person was both exhausting and confusing. I had so many secrets that it felt as though I was lying to the whole world. It felt very lonely to not have any real connections, to not have anyone know or understand me, but with so many versions of me, I didn’t even know who I was. I couldn’t be real even if I had wanted to.

Because I lived life outside of God’s presence I know love, only pain. I had excepted my state of suffering as permanent. I hopelessly sought to avoid my pain, thinking there was no cure. I began looking for a way to manage my pain and, at a young age, at times would misuse prescription medication in order to cope with my feelings. I saw no other way to endure what seemed to be unending agony and thought that I would suffer with addictive and substance reliant tendencies my entire life. I thought I was weak and even never having drank alcohol, I believed that I was an addict and would be inevitably hooked on the way it made me feel and could never stop drinking if I ever began. At the time, I saw my apparent addiction as a permanent condition that I could not overcome. Many times, I made vows to myself and to God that I would never use any substance to alter my mental or emotional state, and many times I broke those vows. I wasn’t experiencing the power of God flowing through me as I am now. I don’t know how I lived this way for so long. As I have gotten to know God, I have been able to see that He is all I need. It seems to be a simple well known fact, but

By going to Master’s Commission I placed myself in an environment that surrounded me in truth. The constant leadership, Bible classes, and group discussions caused the right amount of pressure on my belief system to tear down the lies that guided my life. I began to see who God really was, and who I was because of His love and power. I came to Master’s Commission because I wanted to be trained for ministry. I had a limited view of God and what He could do in me and was blinded to all areas of need in my life. Because of this, Master’s Commission was nothing like I expected. God far exceeded my expectations but greatly fulfilled my needs. I didn’t just learn techniques of ministry, but became a person with the ability to minister to others because I have God’s love pouring into my life, and His love pouring out.

I thank you for believing in me and partnering with God to allow this miracle to take place in my life. Like any growing process, this godly transformation was at times very uncomfortable and even painful. It took some desperate experiences in my life to get me to the point of recognizing my need and looking to God to fill it. It is a miracle in itself that I made it to the end without giving up. Through it all I have realized that God is my healer and my giver of life, love, and identity. I can honestly say that I am not the same person as I was when I began Master’s Commission last fall. The bondage that was my life has been replaced by freedom and truth. Even still, I’m not satisfied. My God is the God who has brought me this far, He has done exceedingly and abundantly more than I would ever ask or think, and will continue to take me to heights I never thought possible.

Transformed Me

I am not disabled, I am enabled. I’ve been realizing the call God has put on my life, it’s something that I never thought I could do. God has called me and every other believer to ministry. Ministry involves people more specifically relationships with people. God’s call on my life right now is to use my relationships for His glory. Many times I have thought that I didn’t have any ministry opportunities, but I’m realizing that my life and every person I come into contact with is an opportunity to love.

God has worked miracles in my life to bring me to the place that I am now. He has transformed my heart and my attitude and enabled me to do accomplish tasks that used to terrify me. My entire life prior to beginning Master’s Commission, I was a loner. My state of aloneness was both purposefully constructed and greatly undesired. I both enjoyed and loathed the feeling of loneliness. I had built up barriers and closed myself off in order to protect myself from the hurt of others. I have since, changed my priorities. My first goal is no longer to protect me, but to love others.

Jeremy Johnson, a leader in the church once said. “Opportunity doesn't create obedience. Obedience creates opportunity.” I’ve realized the vast amount of opportunities I continually have to share God’s love with others. Acting in obedience to reach out to someone can be uncomfortable, but it’s worth it to give that person the opportunity to see God. There’s a saying that I love “You are where God wants you, are you doing what He wants?” Right here, right now, I have opportunities to love every person I come into contact with. I will step outside of my comfort zone at every opportunity to make a difference in the life of another individual.

God has been showing me my value in this world- that every little action can have an impact on a person’s future. If I want to see a world changed, it will come through a series of decisions to do the right thing. God has made me to be consumed in peace. Though I still have room for improvement, I have no room for failure. I am not afraid. The idea of being a youth leader terrified me at the start. I didn’t know what I would say or do. Now I have a group of kids that I feel blessed to be able to pour into their lives.

God has been continually growing this peace and faith inside of me, which birthed a new confidence found in Him. I can be honest, I can be myself. I don’t have to worry or be embarrassed at how awkward I may appear because there I cannot be ashamed of doing the right thing. I’m not afraid of saying something stupid. Why should I be? I’d rather make and attempt than fail to try. I cannot be disappointed of discouraged regardless of the perceived outcome. No matter what happens right now, I have faith in the bountiful harvest.

What I’m Seeking in 2012

1. Have an Increase of Faith
2. Have an Increase in Love for Others
-Effectively communicate compassion and empathy
3. Have an Increase of Humility
-Crucify my flesh
-Stop seeking comfort
4. Have an Increase of Boldness to Live Fearlessly in Who God Created Me to Be
-Do the Impossible
5.Live Everyday With a Joy that is Found in God
6. Risk Something Big for Something Great
7. Know God's Will for My Life
8. Follow God's Will Above All Else
9. Become Debt Free
10. Have a Deeper Understanding of Truth
11. Make Good Decisions/ Live in Truth
12. Live Consumed in an Increasingly Intimate Relationship with my Creator.

Continue to Seek

I don’t want this month to be the only time that I seek after God with all I am. I want to never give up on having an increase in God in my life. I don’t want to ever be satisfied with yesterdays revelation, I want to see God role in my life grow more every day. I want to be daily transformed into God’s likeness- lost in love in Him. I want to continue to become a clean vessel, emptying my life of anything unclean.
I seek to be purified, praying that God will create in me a change of heart to His godly motives.

I now seek to follow God’s will selflessly. My goal in life has previously been to seek my own pleasures and comforts; I need a total transformation to be selflessly motivated. During my pursuit of humble obedience, I have learned that if I’m doing selfless deeds with self seeking motivations, I’m still in the wrong. My goal in life should be to serve others, to be a blessing to others. As I work, in everything I do it must be as unto the Lord, not to be seen by men. As I tried to practice this selflessness I received great conviction, realizing that task was more difficult than I expected. If working for God, I can’t do anything half way I can’t stop at good enough. I must forgo all compromises, by doing what is right, regardless of the convenience. Humility proves to be more challenging when reminded by God that I must not think highly of myself for silent actions of servitude. I am called to do everything without grumbling or complaining, with a servant’s heart I should be glad to do God’s work. I want to be constantly looking for opportunities to serve God, and love others.

There may be times in my life when I experience adversity and perceived deficiencies, I have let the situation steal my identity. In the face of discouragement, when I’ve lost sight of truth and begin to doubt, God reminds me of His promises. God is faithful, His word remains, because he truth cannot be changed by the circumstances or what I do.
Not allow the fact that I messed up keep me from my potential.

God is calling me to remember. I don’t want to be robbed. I will guard the truth, keeping it in mind, rejecting lies. The truth is that nothing is impossible. I will remember my Identity. I am royalty, filled with the spirit, living a new life, courageous, no matter what I am His. I will Remember His promises. His word is eternal, it never changes. Remember the Truths of yesterday remain today. God will reveal something to me, I need to practice those truths continually, not act as if it never happened. God was faithful yesterday, He is the same God.

When I question if I am able, I now know that I can call on God and He will make me able. There is nothing I need to worry about. He will answer my prayers.
God continues to prove himself in my life.

Pride = Self Inflicted Fear

Sometimes it may seem as though my life is a disaster, BUT God is working things out to restore me to the condition I was created. This restoration is a long tough process because I’ve put a lot of time into building this unhealthy lifestyle that I now live out of. Throughout my life I’ve chose to react to situations in an unhealthy way, which has really messed things up in my life. The closer I get to God, the more I see areas in my life that need to be torn apart and repaired.

My pride just about slapped me in the face as I read Luke 12:34 which says “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” I realized that what I most treasure is myself. Because the mouth speaks out of the abundance of the heart, (Mark 12:34) and my heart was treasuring myself, my thoughts and speech were consumed in selfishness. My selfishness led to malicious behavior and fear. Guarded, and self absorbed, I sought comfort above all else. I had fear in uncomfortable situations filled with anxiety in every overly warm car ride. I accepted my condition, and declared it as truth over my life.

In spite of the fact that I was opposing God by seeing my problems as bigger than Him, agreeing with lies, and putting myself first, God began revealing to me His Truth for my life.

I had become like the rich young ruler about whom Jesus said “How hard is it for those who trust in riches” I realized just how greatly I had increased the difficulty in my life by trusting in riches. I had created a monster- a life full of fear, self inflicted by my pride.

Because my trust was on earthly things, I was let down every time. I keep trying to do things on my own, with no success. Because I can’t do anything on my own, I get freaked out and worried about how I will accomplish anything. I put so much value in myself and the things that I need that, when uncomfortable, I get afraid. I seemed to have lost sight of reality thinking that discomfort meant a lack of safety. Discomfort to me, was a lack of control. Since I was trying to do things on my own, control was imperative. I had made an idol of myself.

Now I’m learning to chose better than the rich man. I’m learning to give up my comforts, stop seeking myself and put my trust in God.

January Negativity Fast

How the January Negativity Fast Changed My Life:

Starting the new year seemed overwhelming, this is the year that I will graduate from Master’s Commission and I had no Idea what I would do afterward. I have massive amounts of debt to which I felt enslaved and suppressed. At the beginning of the year I diagnosed myself with Severe Mental Distress Syndrome, I had excepted the fact that I had fear, anxiety and was generally emotionally unstable. When I was uncomfortable I had fear and anxiety because I had built my flesh to extreme importance.

Since the beginning of the year, much has improved already. I am now retaliating against my flesh.
God has been challenging my faith, calling out my pride, and healing my fears. On January 3rd, Master’s Commission began a 40 Negativity fast, part of which includes daily declarations. At first the negativity fast was a stretch because, although I knew The Word to be true, it challenged the way I thought. It was almost hard to believe the declarations as possible.

My thoughts on this changes as I read accounts of Jesus’ healing ministry. The reality of God was developing in my life and I had the realization that God’s gift of healing was available to me. The stories in Mark were a reminder of the character of God. Healing is what God does and who He is. In the stories people were overwhelmed with amazement, saying “He has done everything well, He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak." People were willing to pursue Jesus in order to bring their needs before him. Nothing was impossible for God, He was able to heal all conditions.
I was living a life that showed no recognition of God’s power. I had diagnosed myself with deficiencies, excepting my condition instead of seeking healing.

The declarations that were most difficult for me to believe were areas in my life that I struggled with doubt. These were areas in which I was not living in truth.

I have included some of the most impactful “negativity fast declarations” :
God richly supplies all my financial needs
I prosper in all my relationships
I laugh when I hear a lie from the devil
I declare today that I cannot be defeated, discouraged, depressed or disappointed
I speak to the raging waters in my life; peace, be still. I say to my mind; peace, be still. I say to my emotions; peace, be still. I say to my home; peace, be still. I say to my family; peace be still.
Now I speak to every mountain of fear, every mountain of discouragement, every mountain of stress, every mountain of depression, every mountain of lack and insufficiency; and I say, “Be removed & cast into the sea in Jesus name! ”

The declarations are biblical truths that didn’t line up with what I saw in my life, but I gained hope knowing that I have authority to speak to my situation and declare God’s will in my life. I have the choice to not live in fear and distress. I decided that I will no longer hold on to what hurts me, instead I will seek healing from “Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” Eph 3:20 I choose to walk by faith not sight, believing truth regardless of appearances. I will continue to speak the blessings of God’s promises over my life and pray that I will develop godly perspective to always recognize the greater truth.