Conviction

Sometimes I get tired of doing the right thing, or feeling like I have to. The right thing just seems too hard or uncomfortable. I feel conviction to do something, but my flesh is afraid and clings to the safety of my comfort zone. Sometimes it just seems unfair. Why should I be given such a big responsibility? I don’t feel qualified, prepared, or even willing to do the task I’ve been given. It seems like too much for me to handle. I know that I don’t have to do it alone. God is here to help me. When called to do something that currently seems outside of my ability, I am reminded of the prophesy spoken over me, someone told me that God will be building me up to new levels and that I will be able to do things that I never thought possible. This is a process that requires me to step out of my comfort with faith in the Spirit. There is a saying I live by: “You are where God wants you. Are you doing what He wants?” God has put me in this very place for a reason. He has given me this life to make a difference and to change lives. The time is now. I have opportunities in my current location to possibly make an impact in the lives of those around me. Because the impossible transpired when I came to Master’s Commission, I knew that it was by God’s will. Since God gave me this opportunity, I want to utilize it to the best of my ability and do what God has called me to do. When the situation seems too big as if nothing I do will matter, I am encouraged by the scripture in 2 Kings 7:3-4 3 ‘“Now there were four leprous men at the entrance of the gate; and they said to one another, “Why are we sitting here until we die? 4 If we say, ‘We will enter the city,’ the famine is in the city, and we shall die there. And if we sit here, we die also. Now therefore, come, let us surrender to the army of the Syrians. If they keep us alive, we shall live; and if they kill us, we shall only die.”’ This verse reminds me that even though trying may seem to be pointless, the worst that could ever happen is nothing, which is what would happen if I didn’t try anyways. Saying it and doing it, however are two entirely different things and I feel more inclined to follow the ways of my flesh and bow to my desires for comfort. It’s a struggle at times I don’t know which side I want to win.

Not about Me

It’s not about what I want

I had been struggling with a bad attitude. I was hopeless and had given up on everything in life. I had no motivation. I felt like nothing I do matters. So I had given up on my friend who didn’t want to change. I had given up on myself and the things I needed to do. It was all for selfish reasons. I had allowed my situation to keep me from doing the right thing. I was tired of doing the right thing and not seeing any results. You see, people can’t always control the situation, but always have a choice of how to respond. There were a few situations where I was not getting my desired outcome. Because I had been trying my best in these situations, and things weren’t right in my eyes, I got discouraged thinking that nothing I do matters. I was tired of trying in vain and wanted to quit, and I did. I stopped trying in everything. I thought that everything pointless because my efforts didn’t produce my desired outcome. When I tried to produce that desired outcome and none of my actions, no matter how hard I tried, would give me what I wanted, I felt out of control. I got anxiety from the fear of being powerless to my situation and expressed my fear in anger. That anger was a sin because it was based off of selfish desires. I was consumed with self seeking motivations. I wanted order in my situations, it had to be my way, or it wasn’t right.

Now I’ve seen that what I want isn’t what’s important. My desired outcome is not reality and is not the only thing that brings honor to God. I prayed that I would see God’s glory. It was funny really; all I had to do was open my eyes. His glory is all around. I had just been looking at things the wrong way. I was so focused on the things I didn’t get that I ignored the good things God had given me. It was selfish to let the fact that I didn’t get what I want get in the way of continuing to aim to bring glory to God.

We are called not to be successful, but to be faithful. Because God is not limited to past, we are called to keep throwing out the net, even though it was empty last time. Next time, it may just be overflowing. I am called to be faithful in loving with patience. I am called to believe in all things that good will come. The word says to do all things as unto the Lord. That means ALWAYS, EVERYTIME- regardless of past outcome and whether I get what I want.

Past VS. Identity

I now feel as though I am constantly defying labels put on me. I used accept the words of others as truth, and act out of what I had been identified with. All my life I’ve heard people label me saying I’m a cynic or a pessimist. In the past I’ve accepted this, thinking it’s who I am and how I should act. I felt bound to these labels afraid of what people would think if I acted outside of the restraints of these labels. I didn’t know how to behave other than the extremes of a negative characteristic. I would often classify myself based on the lies whispered to me by the devil, that what I’ve done in the past is who I will always be. I would hear people tell me I’m a rebel or an anarchist and in every moment I would base decisions on these labels, trying to decide, whether to defy the labels set upon me or to find security in knowing who I am.

Recently I’ve found myself slipping back into my old ways of negativity. I knew this was not a characteristic of God and therefore not something I desired for my life. The difficulty increased as I began to question if negative is just who I am. Negativity, after all, is the way I’ve always lived my life, it’s what I know. That’s not who I am. I am a new creation in God. I don’t have to be anything other than who God has created me to be. I now realize that when I do anything contrary to the fruit of the Spirit/ contrary to God’s character, I am producing bad fruit, fruit of the devil. I choose to produce good fruit, the fruit of my Father in Heaven. I will not buy into the lies which encourage me to produce any bad fruit of negativity.

I am free from the past. I will no longer be bound to these labels. I will not let anything hold me back from fulfilling my destiny, my purpose for greatness. My actions don’t define me. The seed of God in me is who I am. I am empowered by the grace of God to live extraordinarily. I will live as it says in 1 John 3:9 “No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God.” Because I live in the truth based on the words of 1 Peter 1:23 (For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God,) I have hope knowing that God’s seed cannot be quenched. In Christ, I will always have the power to do the right thing.

Power Struggle

My whole life I’ve waited to be grown up. I’ve just been longing for the time when I was independent. All I’ve ever wanted was to make my own decisions and not rely on anyone. When I first began Master’s Commission one of the most difficult parts for me to accept was that I had to give up a certain amount of control in my life. It was difficult for me to abandon the very thing that took me a lifetime to attain. It was uncomfortable knowing that I was no longer in control of my life. It is only now that I see how contrary my world view was to God’s.

When I had planned years ago to participate in a discipleship program like Mater’s Commission, I thought that it would prepare me for my future in full time ministry. I make my own plans on how I think things will work out. I thought that Master’s Commission would be a time of learning the “How To’s” of ministry. Thinking I could bring all of my problems along, not making any personal change, but acquiring knowledge and strategies to saving people, the way I had imagined it would be hard work, but fairly painless. As it turns out, God want to change me and heal me. God’s way might require more work, but is always better than my way of doing life. Only God knows the things I need to do in order to grow and be ready to change the world in the great ways He has planned. Since He is the expert on my life and everything in this world, why would I not give up the control and let God take care of it? Even though I want the power of being in control, I want more to be used by God and bring Him the Glory. With God I can do greater things.

Giving my Testimony

The idea of giving my testimony has always seemed strange to me. I’ve always been a Christian, and I don’t have a story that most would see as dramatic and interesting. My mom was a Christian when I was a child and told me to do the same. At that age, I believed anything my mom told me, so I really had no other choice to believe. There really was no defining moment where everything in my life changed. I thought that I had no story, but clearly I was wrong. We all have a story. Every day I am living out the story of my life in God. Every day, He has something new for me. As a witness of God’s great works, I am obligated to testify what I have seen and experienced. I was convicted by the verse 1 Peter 3:15 which says “But give honor to Christ in your hearts as your Lord; and be ready at any time when you are questioned about the hope which is in you, to give an answer in the fear of the Lord and without pride.” My life’s purpose is to bring honor to God; it would be foolish to not use every opportunity to do that.

Sharing my testimony is not only helpful to others, but also edifies myself. In order to give an account for God’s work in my life, I must examine my life. In doing so, I will often find new revelations about miracles in my life I was not previously aware of. This self examination also keeps me accountable to always be improving, always growing toward holiness. I’ve heard it said that “a life without growth is on a path of decay and death.” I choose to live my life with purpose to live as Hebrews 12:14 says to- Persistently strive for peace with all men, and for that growth in holiness apart from which no one will see the Lord. This will be my strive, my pursuit, to live to grow in holiness and bring honor to God.

He Makes Me New

God is constantly using a series of events to reveal Himself to me. Yom Kippur is a special time for me; it is a Jewish holiday, one of the holiest and most solemn days of the year, which focuses on atonement and repentance. During Yom Kippur God was showing me that He makes me new. He removes my sin from me and makes me clean. Somehow even though I’ve always had the head knowledge of this, I was finally being awakened to this seemingly new reality. God continued to show me this in many ways throughout the next several weeks. Upon hearing the testimony of a friend, who had just received a medical diagnosis, I knew to have faith in God. He told me that all things were possible through Him, who is bigger than our diagnoses. God is not bound to our labels or the patterns from past evidence. The past does not in any way contribute to future outcome. God has removed the past from His memory, refusing to consult it in order to decide the future.

When we went to Redding, California for the Open Heavens Conference I was constantly being prophesied over and it was a huge encouragement. It was exciting to experience God’s love, knowing that He was thinking about me and cared about the things I think about. One encouraging word I was told was of God’s forgiveness. Of course I had knowledge of this, but I had always struggled with this concept. I had bought into the lie of the enemy, that I wasn’t good enough because of the past. I believed the lie that I was dirty and defiled for my past sins. I thought that I couldn’t be whole or renewed because I could never change from my old ways of living. I’ve been fighting this lie my whole life and I always try to remind myself of the truths of God. Somehow, by hearing the truth spoken by another person, I had a revelation. I knew that God was speaking to me. He cared enough about me to verbally speak through this person and express the truths of His love. The truth is God loved me enough to die and take my sins. Those sins of my past are no longer mine. I had lived my life taking Jesus’ sacrifice in vain, not applying its value to my life. While on this trip in Redding, we did an outreach ministry activity called a treasure hunt. Treasure hunting involves approaching strangers to pray for them and prophesy over them, sharing God’s love and miraculous power. This was a stretching experience and I learned that through God’s strength I will be able to do things I never thought I could do.