After high school graduation, I needed to choose what would be the next step in my life. I wanted to pursue education and continue to learn. I had applied to many colleges that year and now had to choose which one I would attend. I had been accepted to the Art Institute of Seattle and had nearly committed to attend, but I got some doubts. I had durring that time been struggling and maturing in my faith. I
felt that the best thing for me at that time was to be in an environment that would encourage spiritual growth. I wanted to get away from everything familiar and have a fresh start at who God wanted me to be. I moved to Illinois, where I had never beem before, and attended Trinity Christian College. The transition was quite difficult at first because everything felt so foreign. Trinity soon became my favorite place. I
finally felt at home, as If I belonged. Durring my time at Trinity, I made the best friends I had ever had. I began to hear God's voice speaking to me, telling me that Trinity was not God's plan for my life, that I would not be staying there for much longer. This word from God was devastating me, because I wanted nothing more than to be there with the people I loved. It took a great deal of faith for me to remember that God has a plan for my life, a plan for good. God's plan isn't always what we want, He is the creater of the universe and He knows what He is doing much more than I do. There were time that I felt so alone and hopeless times that my faith wasn't stron enough and God filled me with the Holy Spirit and His grace was enough. I've had to live my life as a young adult with faith that God, my Heavenly Father, is taking care of me. Like a child, I don't need to worry about what will happen, I just need to obey and He will take care of the rest. I am always safe in His hands.
Even now, I must continue to live my life through faith. Even at a job that I hate, God has a purpose for my life. Things are going to get better. God's will is perfect.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Death
Death seemed so much more real to me in the fall of 2009 than it ever had before. I never thought of death as being a real and present fact. It was always so far away, something that never happened. When my little brother was hospitalized for an infection caused by a small cut, he could have died. I realized that death is here, death is now. Death is everyday, in everything we do. Death cannot be avoided. I began to appreciate life more realizing that we are always one step away, one inch away from losing it all. A person can literally die from anything! It was scary for me to know the fatality of living in this world. I wanted death to be far away from my everyday life. Yet it was always there always, hanging on and lingering next to me in everything I do. Every step that we take, or don't take, is a threat to our lives! Everyday is a miracle that we are alive. There are so many ways to die, yet I'm alive. It was amazing to me that death was here all along, yet I always thought it was impossible. Something that could never happen.
I still didn't understand death until I experienced it myself. I never knew what it meant. I had friends who had lost love ones and I had NO IDEA! In February 2011 my life was changed by the death of my friend, and pastor, Bill Hutton. I was so angered and frustrated by the finality that death brought. The certainty that I would never get to encounter this person again, was overwhelming. I felt robbed by the loss of an individual from my life. I had never in my entire life, experienced a change so great.
I'm amazed by the fact that a person can exist on this earth on day and be completely gone the next. It seems so unreal and so untrue. How can this be possible!? It makes me so devastatingly sad to know that I can NEVER see him again. Nothing in life is so absolute. Nothing else on earth is impossible. I have always heard that "Nothing is certain but death and taxes," but come on, that's not true. People cheat their way out of taxes all the time. I never thought truly about the absolute truth that death is certain. Even if it was something that I had excepted as true, a part of life, that everyone will one day die, I never could understand this until I had experience it.
The week of his death was difficult for me. In the time leading up to it, I was troubled and saddened that I missed my pastor and longed to not lose him from my life. Once his death happened, his absence hurt me even more. Greater still was the consciousness of the reality of death. I now knew not only that death could happen, but that death did happen. I now see death differently I truly understand the fact that everyone dies. It makes me worried because I don't want to lose anyone else from my life. I don't know how I would be able to survive if someone that I loved even more was not on this earth.
I fear. I am now afraid of death, even my own. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the same loss that I can't stand myself. I don't want anyone to miss me, or not get to see me. I don't want to live my life without the people that I love. I used to have no fear of death. My life meant nothing to me. I was willing to give it all. But I didn't know what death was. Now that I know, I feel so selfish, so attached to the things(people) of this world. I thought that I could give up everything for God, leave my life and sacrifice everything. Now I don't think I could/ am willing to. I don't want to leave the people I love.
My selfishness amazes me. Just yesterday I was so sure that I could leave my life here to go wherever God called me in this world. I have told God, "send me; I will go to the ends of the earth; I will die for you" I can't go back on my word. I know that I need to follow God's will for my life. I now realize what death is, that it is to give everything. When I tell God that I give my life, it means so much more than the fleshly body, but the fleshly desires of my heart. That to die to the flesh means a complete and absolute end of what I want. To "Give it all" is so much more than I ever realized.
People Die, But I Wish They Wouldn't.
Death seems to be even more practical now. Death is persisting and clinging. Death is something that can and will happen, whether expected or not. Death will end everyones lives. Every person that I now know or will ever know, will one day be dead.
I still didn't understand death until I experienced it myself. I never knew what it meant. I had friends who had lost love ones and I had NO IDEA! In February 2011 my life was changed by the death of my friend, and pastor, Bill Hutton. I was so angered and frustrated by the finality that death brought. The certainty that I would never get to encounter this person again, was overwhelming. I felt robbed by the loss of an individual from my life. I had never in my entire life, experienced a change so great.
I'm amazed by the fact that a person can exist on this earth on day and be completely gone the next. It seems so unreal and so untrue. How can this be possible!? It makes me so devastatingly sad to know that I can NEVER see him again. Nothing in life is so absolute. Nothing else on earth is impossible. I have always heard that "Nothing is certain but death and taxes," but come on, that's not true. People cheat their way out of taxes all the time. I never thought truly about the absolute truth that death is certain. Even if it was something that I had excepted as true, a part of life, that everyone will one day die, I never could understand this until I had experience it.
The week of his death was difficult for me. In the time leading up to it, I was troubled and saddened that I missed my pastor and longed to not lose him from my life. Once his death happened, his absence hurt me even more. Greater still was the consciousness of the reality of death. I now knew not only that death could happen, but that death did happen. I now see death differently I truly understand the fact that everyone dies. It makes me worried because I don't want to lose anyone else from my life. I don't know how I would be able to survive if someone that I loved even more was not on this earth.
I fear. I am now afraid of death, even my own. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the same loss that I can't stand myself. I don't want anyone to miss me, or not get to see me. I don't want to live my life without the people that I love. I used to have no fear of death. My life meant nothing to me. I was willing to give it all. But I didn't know what death was. Now that I know, I feel so selfish, so attached to the things(people) of this world. I thought that I could give up everything for God, leave my life and sacrifice everything. Now I don't think I could/ am willing to. I don't want to leave the people I love.
My selfishness amazes me. Just yesterday I was so sure that I could leave my life here to go wherever God called me in this world. I have told God, "send me; I will go to the ends of the earth; I will die for you" I can't go back on my word. I know that I need to follow God's will for my life. I now realize what death is, that it is to give everything. When I tell God that I give my life, it means so much more than the fleshly body, but the fleshly desires of my heart. That to die to the flesh means a complete and absolute end of what I want. To "Give it all" is so much more than I ever realized.
People Die, But I Wish They Wouldn't.
Death seems to be even more practical now. Death is persisting and clinging. Death is something that can and will happen, whether expected or not. Death will end everyones lives. Every person that I now know or will ever know, will one day be dead.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
March 1, 2011
(probably not going to be a very deep post, just random)
I can't believe it! I's my 20th Birthday! It was a surprisingly a good day. I woke up in a fabulous mood, even though I had to be to work at 8am and needed to drop off my brother at 7:30am. Work was fine even though the customers and co-workers were rude and annoying.
I feared that I would lose my job today due to a cashiering mistake on Saturday. It hasn't happened yet, so that is good news. I really don't want to be fired, but it seems kind of inevitable now. I'm mildly freaked out about what will happen after I lose my job and more freaked out about actually getting fired. I had a calming peace throughout the day today. I wasn't to worried about it. I's not as if i don't have faith that God can save my job, but I think that it might be in his will for me to leave this job. I don't like my job and would be in some ways relieved to be freed. I know that I will need to leave this job eventually, but might not be able to leave the security and familiarity without the push.
I'm glad that i didn't get fired today, because I would have been devastated and humiliated. Not a great way to celebrate my birthday. I feel as though God wants to bless me and knows what's best for me. Everything is right in his timing.
My fleshly desires, again have me striving for a car. all though cars seem to be a necessity, i'm not sure that is the wisest way to spend my money. what if God has something more planned for my immediate future that just a way to get around.
I wonder what i would do if I lost my job. Would I immediately start looking for a new one? Would it be irresponsible not to? Does God have something planned for my life, other than working for money? What kind of job would I look for? Nothing really seems to interest me. I want a bigger purpose in life! It's not as if I am discontent with where has put me in life, exactly, more that I want to be doing something significant. I realize that it is mostly for selfish reasons, because I want to be able to feel good about myself. but who doesn't? If I was doing what God wanted, shouldn't I feel good about it?
I'm so confused about my life. I feel so pointless. If I stay at my job any longer I will go crazy!
Most of the time, I know that God has a plan for my life and that I don't have to worry about it. God is preparing my Husband for me. I don't have to be out looking. Other times, especially lately, I've been worried, like what if I'm not in the right place. I'm not marrying anyone from my job, I'm not going to marry anyone from my church. So, where am I going to meet the Godly man that God has planned for me? I keep freaking out that I don't give myself enough opportunities to meet a husband. I never meet new people. I've been secluding myself.
I have to keep reminding myself that not only will God figure it out, but i'm not ready yet anyway. It doesn't matter if I don't have any opportunities. I need to grow up and be able to take care of myself. I need to learn to let God take care of me before I can be a wife. I need to mature. I have so much to learn.
I am lonely and want someone to love me. I know that this is bad and that I should be content with the love of God. He can love me the way no one else can, his love is stronger. Yet I still feel empty. I feel the need to seek approval from humans. I want someone to hold me, I want someone to be with me every day, I want someone to fight with(as strange as that may sound)
I am impatient for the husband God is preparing for me. I feel like the only healthy thing to do while I "wait" is to get ready. I need to be preparing myself to be a wife, instead of looking for the man. God is doing His part and I need to do mine. He's not going to give me a husband until I am ready.
This will give me motivation to seek God more. I feel that, even though I am seeking God, I am doing it for all the wrong reasons. Does God want me if I'm just using Him? Or does he willingly/ happily seek everything I give? Is this excuse okay, if it brings me closer to God?
I want to be a Godly woman that God would be proud of. I want to be mature in my relationship with Christ. I want to be able to participate successfully in society as a Godly wife, mother, person. Is this a bad thing? I want to be a participant. I want to step it up and take part in making a difference, Yet I still feel like my motives are selfish. I should be confident in myself in Christ. Why do I need a man? Why am I so insecure? I shouldn't need a husband to be a witness. But I REALLY want one.
This isn't right! All I should need is God! I should serve God with what I have.
What if God doesn't want me to have a Husband, just like he doesn't want me to use controlled substances? What if I am not strong enough in God to rely solely on Him. Would a husband be a crutch that I would lean on instead of God? I feel like that's what i'm already making him to be.
I HATE THAT I'M SO WEAK!
I can't believe it! I's my 20th Birthday! It was a surprisingly a good day. I woke up in a fabulous mood, even though I had to be to work at 8am and needed to drop off my brother at 7:30am. Work was fine even though the customers and co-workers were rude and annoying.
I feared that I would lose my job today due to a cashiering mistake on Saturday. It hasn't happened yet, so that is good news. I really don't want to be fired, but it seems kind of inevitable now. I'm mildly freaked out about what will happen after I lose my job and more freaked out about actually getting fired. I had a calming peace throughout the day today. I wasn't to worried about it. I's not as if i don't have faith that God can save my job, but I think that it might be in his will for me to leave this job. I don't like my job and would be in some ways relieved to be freed. I know that I will need to leave this job eventually, but might not be able to leave the security and familiarity without the push.
I'm glad that i didn't get fired today, because I would have been devastated and humiliated. Not a great way to celebrate my birthday. I feel as though God wants to bless me and knows what's best for me. Everything is right in his timing.
My fleshly desires, again have me striving for a car. all though cars seem to be a necessity, i'm not sure that is the wisest way to spend my money. what if God has something more planned for my immediate future that just a way to get around.
I wonder what i would do if I lost my job. Would I immediately start looking for a new one? Would it be irresponsible not to? Does God have something planned for my life, other than working for money? What kind of job would I look for? Nothing really seems to interest me. I want a bigger purpose in life! It's not as if I am discontent with where has put me in life, exactly, more that I want to be doing something significant. I realize that it is mostly for selfish reasons, because I want to be able to feel good about myself. but who doesn't? If I was doing what God wanted, shouldn't I feel good about it?
I'm so confused about my life. I feel so pointless. If I stay at my job any longer I will go crazy!
Most of the time, I know that God has a plan for my life and that I don't have to worry about it. God is preparing my Husband for me. I don't have to be out looking. Other times, especially lately, I've been worried, like what if I'm not in the right place. I'm not marrying anyone from my job, I'm not going to marry anyone from my church. So, where am I going to meet the Godly man that God has planned for me? I keep freaking out that I don't give myself enough opportunities to meet a husband. I never meet new people. I've been secluding myself.
I have to keep reminding myself that not only will God figure it out, but i'm not ready yet anyway. It doesn't matter if I don't have any opportunities. I need to grow up and be able to take care of myself. I need to learn to let God take care of me before I can be a wife. I need to mature. I have so much to learn.
I am lonely and want someone to love me. I know that this is bad and that I should be content with the love of God. He can love me the way no one else can, his love is stronger. Yet I still feel empty. I feel the need to seek approval from humans. I want someone to hold me, I want someone to be with me every day, I want someone to fight with(as strange as that may sound)
I am impatient for the husband God is preparing for me. I feel like the only healthy thing to do while I "wait" is to get ready. I need to be preparing myself to be a wife, instead of looking for the man. God is doing His part and I need to do mine. He's not going to give me a husband until I am ready.
This will give me motivation to seek God more. I feel that, even though I am seeking God, I am doing it for all the wrong reasons. Does God want me if I'm just using Him? Or does he willingly/ happily seek everything I give? Is this excuse okay, if it brings me closer to God?
I want to be a Godly woman that God would be proud of. I want to be mature in my relationship with Christ. I want to be able to participate successfully in society as a Godly wife, mother, person. Is this a bad thing? I want to be a participant. I want to step it up and take part in making a difference, Yet I still feel like my motives are selfish. I should be confident in myself in Christ. Why do I need a man? Why am I so insecure? I shouldn't need a husband to be a witness. But I REALLY want one.
This isn't right! All I should need is God! I should serve God with what I have.
What if God doesn't want me to have a Husband, just like he doesn't want me to use controlled substances? What if I am not strong enough in God to rely solely on Him. Would a husband be a crutch that I would lean on instead of God? I feel like that's what i'm already making him to be.
I HATE THAT I'M SO WEAK!
Feelings I Get
This is the way I feel, sometimes:
I feel so alone that, it makes me just want to stand up and run. I want to run and never stop(like Forest Gump.) Not that there's anything to run from, except existence. I often think that if I were running that i would basically cease to exist. I would be existing only to run, removing myself from anything else. have no thoughts besides the next step, the next breathe.
I get lonely all the time. I feel like there is no one in the world who understands or cares. God is the only one I can trust with my darkest secrets, because he already knows. I cry out in desperation, yet sometimes it feels like there's no one on the other line. It feels as though I am truly alone in this world. Everyone is so far away and i'm abandoned. It's so intense! (like camping)
No one understands like God and is always available like He is. God will never leave us. Sometimes it seems like He's so far away and like i'm lost and I can't find him. It's a scary feeling.
I feel so alone that, it makes me just want to stand up and run. I want to run and never stop(like Forest Gump.) Not that there's anything to run from, except existence. I often think that if I were running that i would basically cease to exist. I would be existing only to run, removing myself from anything else. have no thoughts besides the next step, the next breathe.
I get lonely all the time. I feel like there is no one in the world who understands or cares. God is the only one I can trust with my darkest secrets, because he already knows. I cry out in desperation, yet sometimes it feels like there's no one on the other line. It feels as though I am truly alone in this world. Everyone is so far away and i'm abandoned. It's so intense! (like camping)
No one understands like God and is always available like He is. God will never leave us. Sometimes it seems like He's so far away and like i'm lost and I can't find him. It's a scary feeling.
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