One Year Dating Anniversary

I guess I could be excited, but I'm not. I'm so scared of what will happen next. The expectations, seriousness, and attachment is now one year strong. I've been saying for months that I don't know why my boyfriend and I are still together. I don't understand the point of our relationship. I don't think we will get married. Meanwhile there is just so much pain and confusion.

I am in pain because I don't feel like I'm important to my boyfriend. It seems like there is always something more important and he doesn't have time for me. Sometimes it is because his work/ school schedule requires him to be away, other times, it seems like he just doesn't make an effort. I constantly feel alone and rejected. I am confused by his lack of interest in me and want to not show that I am wanting him more than he wants me. I don't want to be too pushy.

My giant confusing contradiction of thoughts towards my boyfriend:

• I don't ever want to be without him.
   
• I don't want to be with him forever. 

More accurately I might state:

• I love him and I like that he is in my life.
• I miss him when we are not together. 
• I am afraid that I would miss him too much if he were not in my my life. 

• He doesn't have the characteristics I would want for a husband. 
• I don't like that we disagree on so many different things.
• I don't trust him to make choices that I will like. 
• I don't want to be his boss/ be controlling. 
• I want him to make choices that he is happy with.
• I don't want him to feel controlled be me.
• I want him to be who he wants to be. 

I think that life is important- he thinks it's funny to joke about death
I think drinking is a bad idea- he drinks
I think smoking is not good- he smokes
I don't like tattoos- he wants a tattoo

I want to marry someone who is respectful of leadership (including government)
I want to marry someone who will act like an adult
I want to marry someone who takes responsibilities seriously
- does what he says he will do
- does what needs to be done in a timely manner

I want to feel loved, wanted, and valued.
I want to not be alone.

A lot of the time, I feel alone. I don't feel loved, wanted, or valued.
But of course I am afraid of being more alone.

I don't feel like I have any other choice but to continue to be in this relationship. I've brought up in conversation that it doesn't seem like our relationship is going anywhere. I've tried to come to a mutual understanding on this, but nothing has changed. I don't see a way out. I don't know what I can change. Right now, I'm the one hurting, because my boyfriend isn't giving me what I want. If I were to break up with him, I would be more alone, and he would be rejected by me. I want things to be better.