This month...

I've got to admit that this past month has been pretty difficult. Master's Commission has it's way of bringing out the worst in me sometimes. It gets exhausting to be around the same people for such long periods of time. In these situations, my patience is tested. Long-suffering. The ability to put up with people's annoyances without getting frustrated or angry. For me I failed the test of patience this month. It seemed as though every action of my classmates got on my nerves. I was very judgmental it's as though I was looking for things that were wrong with them. Maybe I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm better. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying so hard, but it's never good enough. I hate to be wrong. I'm very defensive because I don't want what I do to be a failure. I don't want to be like everyone else who messes up. God is the source for all of My needs. I need to stop looking to my relationships to feel loved. Thanksgiving break I was looking forward to seeing my family again, since I don't see them very often. I felt like I din't belong there. Everyone else in my family has values that are different then me. There actions were ones that I didn't want to be a part of. That's why I feel so alone because whether it's with family or at school, there's things that I don't want to be associated with, things that I don't support. At work a co-worker of mine was making fun of me in a joking sort of way, but I really couldn't stand the negativity directed at me. I knew that she didn't mean to hurt me, but it hurt. Even if it was a joke it still made me feel rejected and inadequate. I felt like everything wrong with me was being pointed out. This situation at my job made me realize that I am really sensitive about being rejected. I felt rejected last year in Master's Commission and carried those feelings with me. I took every action a person did as an act of rejecting me. I was constantly offended. I feel like I don't want to be here, but there's no where else to go. One of the reasons that I was so upset was because I felt hopeless to my situation. I felt under it. I didn't know what I could do, but suffer through. I realized that from the beginning I've been checked out of Master's Commission. Things weren't the way I had expected, and I was trying to figure out how to deal with it. I had accepted Master's Commission as being below standard. After what was a terrible week, I felt pretty distressed. But then God told me that it's not hopeless. I know that I live for the God of Hope. I remembered that God uses all things for good. My life seemed pretty miserable, but I knew there was a reason for it. I realized that I am a mess. I keep trying to hide it so that no one will find out. But I'm so messy that people can already tell. With the arrogance that I've been living in, it makes it seem like I don't recognize my faults. I'm okay with hurting people instead of apologizing. I justify that I was right, so I don't have to admit wrong. I realized that I have been putting myself first. I stopped living my life for others. I have been unsatisfied because I wasn't giving. It's more blessed to give than to receive. I am more than a conqueror. I have determined to conquer all that threatens to hold me back. I'm not giving up! My God is on my side! I feel like I keep messing up, therefore I don't want to care sometimes.