Persecution (unfinished, draft)

I don't know what I was listening to on the radio, or if it was just GOD speaking to me, I Got the sudden reminder and realization that "GOD never promised that it[the path in following Him] would be easy, but he promised that it would be worth it.

So much recently I have suppressed
tiring discouraging no motivation
gave up selfish

What's Been Holding Me Back?

Today is the 15th of the month. All this time I've been letting all of my responsibilities pile up. I've been overwhelmed and procrastinating. I haven't gotten anything done. One can see by the appearance of my bedroom that my life is at a stand still. I have bills and laundry in piles on my floor and my Christmas decorations are still hanging. I don't know what I am waiting for, but i need to clean up my act. I need to be released by the bondage of debt.

Again I ask myself:
Are You doing what GOD wants?
Where is the Love?
Where is the Dedication?
What's your Motivation?
Where is your Focus?
What are you Pursuing?
What Choices have you been making?

Most times I have no answers to these questions. but at this time I can see that My life is not the way I want it. I Question if I am where God wants me. I know that I am failing to do God's will. I'm not sure what God's will is. I am so unsure and subconsciously frightened. I have not been showing Love to everyone. I have been pursuing comfort and the pleasing of my flesh. I'd rather be happy than do what is right. I have no focus and don't know where I am going. I feel so lost! I have little motivation. Most of the time, i don't know what I am pursuing. I am so tired, so weary of this journey. I am struggling just to get by.

I don't recognize the choices I make. I try to avoid choosing, by doing nothing. I am stuck. I am falling backwards because I am too intimidated by what's ahead.

It's amazing how unaware i have been of myself. I try to hide away all of my insecurities. I try to stay strong so i can stay standing.

I am confused about the truth of God and salvation. I am unsure how to be effective and share with others when i don't have any answers myself. I believe in God and I want to serve Him, but i don't know what i'm supposed to do.

One of the main purposes of living is to learn. Learning = Growth. Life without Growth is death. I am going to start regularly posting what i am learning.